Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kailedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Erchomenos
    ASL Info:    19/F/Montreal
    Elite Ratio:    5.19 - 260/85/19
    Words: 442
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1173
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2416



    Description:
       Okay, guys, this one's a little weird. Bah, I'm getting all discombobulated... that's my word of the day, discombobulated. Anyway, let my know if you think it's lame and/or confusing and I shall attempt to revise. Love you, my pretties!

    Oh, and one more thing... there are supposed to be italics in this thing... but, well, you know how it is...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKailedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Her hair was black, and in it she wore the white flower of mourning. Its heady scent followed her everywhere, reminding her always of what had been lost and forgotten. Kaile, the last girl on Earth. The wild animals caused her no harm; they sensed intuitively the rarity of the delicate creature. After this, there would be no more. Extinct. Forgotten. The lions stayed away.

    She had named herself. To her, Kaile was infinite sadness; grief unexpressed for the Before she had never known. She wore it with a quiet dignity, the way she wore her flower: in the hope that it was worthy of those who had come ahead of her, shaping metal and earth to their whim, subduing all before them without thought. Kaile lacked that authority. The animals caused her no harm, but nor did they love her, hate her, or fear her. Nor did the mountains, nor the waters, nor the forests. Living was not a difficult thing. She thought the ground soft but she had never known any other bed.

    She spent her days in grief and her nights, dreamless. She tracked down the remnants of Before, marvelling alone. The roads, the art, the clever canals, the Parthenon, the desolate buildings clawing at the sky. The emptiness pronounced by what had once not been empty. The monuments proudly—but silently—proclaiming, “We were here, and we did not want to be forgotten.” It made the loneliness yawn open within her, to see photographs and sculptures, tools and instruments, doors waiting to be unlocked by keys in buried pockets. In time, after she was gone, they too would disappear, she and them and the concept of “artifact.” So she would give them what she could: she would not forget, even if she could not comprehend.

    She was not entirely comfortless.

    There were the Words. Mots. Woorden. Wörter. Lexeis. Parole, palavras, palabras. She knew them all, but she could not wield them. But the concept, she loved. It allowed her to keep pieces of Before with her even when she had left them far behind. The concept allowed her to become Kaile. She had tried to name the creatures around her: lion had nearly ceased to be honey fur glinting in the sun, an eye, the swish of a tail. lion had nearly become Lion. But then a whisper—you no longer have this authority. So Lion remained lion, and lion’s parts remained unamalgamated. And Kaile remembered.




    Submitted on 2004-06-10 22:02:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Another of those pieces I think would be better if you do a Readers' Digest on it and condensed it to the few poetic lines shining out of it so boldly. It would do more justice to the desolation. Great idea.
    | Posted on 2004-06-12 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed it a lot and it kinda reminded me of the future people in The Time Machine. I think some of it seems out of place or it doesn't flow with the rest. You should work on that, but besides that it was really good .
    | Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by PaulLuvsGod | [ Reply to This ]
      you have some very cool lines in this... very striking imagery. i like how you gave Before a capital as if its like a real place like London or Jamaica. i especially love the line about the locked doors waiting to be unlocked by keys in buried pockets... very cool line. i think i got a lil bit lost at the end with the lion/Lion thing but yeah... overall i really liked it
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      wow.. this is different. I loved some of the beautiful phrases you used:
    "heady scent"
    "The emptiness pronounced by what had once not been empty."
    "loneliness yawn open within her"

    I have no suggestions, as I have never written or really read anything like this. I would use quotes in place of the quotes, especially in the last paragraph. Very nice, and very cool!
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, I agree with those two ^ . I liked the word choice here, it makes you sound smart! I'm just kidding...When you get a chance will you let me know what this piece was really about? I have ideas but I don't wanna sound like a dumb[censored] on this thing so if you could help me out...thanks.
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by Cutting Envy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    13921

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry