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The night time free of neon obscenity and architectural nonentity.
The distant swish of faraway cars,
the planes amongst
planets a silent flash amongst the stars.
you and I,
15 minutes away,
but a million miles apart.
Ben Gunn 1984/2007
| I like this. |
The sparseness, the gaps between lines, create a feeling of emptiness, of a thoughtful slow night, reflect the gap between "you and I".
The way it starts off with the general, with a dislike of the city with its "neon obscenity", a rejection of tacky pleasure, an alienation from your surroundings. Then the cars and planes, as if everyone else is on the move except you, as if your stuck in that feeling as the poem suddenly becomes personal and a failing relationship is introduced. Another alienation, but this one less angry, more poignant.
It's a good poem.
|| Posted on 2007-03-31 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ] || Ah, a witful writer! Nice, succint, effectively communicates. I don’t care for your line breaks (or rather, the lack of). You apparently prefer your rhymes internal, with a dash of lemon and a bit of ice. One question about punctuation: Did you mean the planes were the silent flashes among stars, or the “you and I”. If the former, then it seems to me the period and comma should be interchanged.|
It’s difficult for me to understand why you feel the need of an expert. The writing syle is legitimate as it stands; however, I am unfamiliar with your usual style, and perhaps this doesn’t accord with it. (If so, maybe it’s a good thing to expand into other ones.) In any case, I like it as it stands, but will also look at some of your other writes to get an idea of what you try to achieve.
|| Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] |