Elite Skills by Twice

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Submission Name: Elite Skills dots

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Author:	Twice
Elite Ratio:	4 - 71/82/52
Words:	142

Class/Type:	Poetry/Venting
Total Views:	119
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1015

Description:

Elite Skills dots

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Clique-ish split ends
frayed friends
spend countless hours
in cyber theropy
crying about
cheating
cutting
suicide
and
genocide
self appointed
superstars
pose like overwieght models
unable to hear the laughing
through the static of there idealistic cantor
Hear one, hear all
why should I listen to the unripe fruit
of a child fed by frustration not occurrence
Life lessons from the tender feet of who..you,
I think not
My feet are worn from lifes scorn
vengence and penance
vengence and penance
vengence and penance
that's the circle of life
I pledge allegiance to life, love and belly buttons the rest of you can piss off
and creep back into your
crawl space of an existence
the closed walls of your life
are the coffins of your empty tomorrows

Submitted on 2007-03-29 18:37:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  You know what, I agree this site sucks!!!!
I have been gone a long time and just came back to visit and its the same old [censored], wanna be's tickling each others ass to try and get positive feed back, a queer popularity contest.
Down with this sight, coodos for bringing it to the surface.

| Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by Spin | [ Reply to This ]
  your stance in this piece is good.
i commend you for having the balls to write this. i really do.
ive been on this site for a long time now.
its quite possible i am the grandmother of this site which is rather tragic and i think i shant advertise it any longer but i have seen a lot of people come and go and i have prolly missed a whole lot of people on this site too.

now i think about what i wrote like when i started on this site and look at what im writing now and i can say that i have bettered myself. personally i think that ought to be the point of being on this site (and sites like this) but sadly there are people who never challenge themselves with their writing and continue to write about the same thing in the same way over and over again.

recently i have been on a killer comment phase. my comments have been outrageously long and for the most part well recieved. i have gone through the peices and commented on everything that needs to be changed or rethought because i am completely sick and tired of seeing ppl say "oh sweetie this is so good" when really it is poorly written emo nonsense about nobody loving me so lets all cut ourselves. i know that sounds harsh but im completely over it. like really.

anyways.
yes.
i think your subject is a very good one.
i dont think it is written as well as it could be though. i think even though this is a vent you could quite possibly present it more powerfully so as to have more of an impact on the reader and make them stop and THINK about your piece and their contribution to the site. that is the potential in your hands right now. i know thats what you are trying to achieve but you could do it so much better if you revise this piece and remember what it is you are trying to say.

Clique-ish split ends
frayed friends

split and frayed mean the same thing pretty much so i think one or the other is a lil redundant here. could you not just have 'clique-ish split end friends'?

spend countless hours
in cyber theropy
crying about
cheating
cutting
suicide
and
genocide
self appointed
superstars
pose like overwieght models
unable to hear the laughing
through the static of there idealistic cantor

now i take these lines here as a bash at the emo kids... right?
first up you gotta spell therapy correct. second... i think perhaps there could be a more effective way of presenting this other than listing it. you also need to work out which tense you are writing in here coz you keep jumping and thats a lil distracting. how about:

spend[ing] countless hours
in cyber therapy
crying about
cheating and cutting
and death by all means;

it makes the list more concise and, while separating out the types of death written about i think you need to list all kinds of death referred to if you are going to do that and not just two... and also, because the people reading this piece belong to the site, the reader is already aware of the situation you speak of (hopefully, if theyre not theyre blind or emo lol) and so prolly dont need the types of death spelt out. when they read 'death by all means' or something to that effect they will IMMEDIATELY know what you are referring to. promise.

self appointed [superstars]
pos[ing] like overw[ei]ght models
unable to hear the laugh[ter]
through the static of the[ir] idealistic cantor

the parts in parenthesis are pieces that i have altered. you can do with you like with them.

i think it is from this point on that you lose your power. i dont know whether you get side tracked or watered down or what but something doesnt quite work for me from this point on...

Hear one, hear all

im assuming by this line you are trying to say that all the cutter emo poems are the same and you are tiring very quickly of them.
i understand where you are coming from but this is a very cliché line and i think you ought to try abstain from clichés wherever possible. heard one heard em all is highly over used. im sure you can find a better way of expressing the tiresome repetition...

why should I listen to the unripe fruit
of a child fed by frustration not occurrence
Life lessons from the tender feet of who..you,
I think not

i think you need to be careful in this part.. the way you come across in this part is very arrogant to be honest. perhaps its the use of 'I' almost making this all about you...
and well... the only way i can see unripe fruit working is in that while these kids have stuff to say they havent found a good way of saying it yet. atleast they are trying to write even if they havent worked out a way of finding their own voice and stepping out of the cutter clan...

fed by frustration not occurrence.
are you questioning the reality of these pieces?
i have read many ppl on this site say that they dont really cut but that it seems to be the easiest thing to write about. it is my belief that if these kids really were cutting they would not be writing about it and posting it online for all to see. not if they are cutting seriously.

Life lessons from the tender feet of who..you,
I think not

this part here is more than arrogant. it seems out right pretentious to me. i do not think this whole part is needed. right from why should i... right through to i think not. your sarcasm, if that is indeed what it is, is out of place and does nothing for this piece at all.

My feet are worn from lifes scorn
vengence and penance
vengence and penance
vengence and penance
that's the circle of life

i understand that you are trying to tell these people who write of things you do not believe they know anything of that you have been through such things and do not want them trivilialising painful life moments but i do not think the way you have conveyed this does you any justice. i would almost go so far as to think it borders on competing... who has had the worst life.
i dont think your circle of life (vengance and penance) need be repeated 3 times. i think it hinders the effect you are going for and again i would beg you to abstain from clichés (the circle of life... if that doesnt make you think of elton john and the lion king what does?!)

I pledge allegiance to life, love and belly buttons the rest of you can piss off
and creep back into your
crawl space of an existence
the closed walls of your life
are the coffins of your empty tomorrows

im afraid to say, apart from the bellybuttons, that the rest of this piece gets worse.
what is it you are trying to say?

"oi! pull your head in and start writing seriously"

or

"you think your life sucks you should look at mine"

the start and the end seem to be saying something completely different to me. i really have nothing to say other than that you really ought to work out what it is you are trying to say and alter the piece accordingly.

on a lil side note:
i simply cannot leave this comment without telling you about the glorious thing which is the belly button (since youve pledged allegance to them and all )
my father taught me that the belly button is called "the golden screw":

if you unscrew your belly button your bum will fall off!!!

hhahahahahah!

i hope this comment hasnt come across as harsh but judging by the hour that im writing this and the considerable amount of pain i am in it is quite possible that i havent been as conscious of how i sound.
i hope, however, that something in this comment helps you to better this piece.
good luck.
| Posted on 2007-03-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I think we need a program that scans for "I hate myself" "I wish I was dead" "Cut my wrists" etcetera, and by default places this poem instead. :)

And it's even a good poem!

Props.
| Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]
   I came over to thank you for the comment. This is great though, probably what alot of us are thinking but just don't really say. People on here are pathetic but we just pat them on the back and say "good write".
| Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by Peachpitt | [ Reply to This ]

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