Description: "My dancing, my drinking ,and singing weave me the mat on which my soul will sleep in the world of spirits." Old Man of Halmahera, Indonesia from"The Soul of The World - A Modern Book of Hours by Phil Cousineau
This was a bit too minimalistic for my taste. Not much detail. I like grand cavasses to bath in the painter dired brush strokes. I agree that the eye ball was distracting it took me a minute to get it. I think just using eye would be an easier way to tie the i to site and self. My you enter into the tomb where the ancients loom and weave together fabric strewn over their rotten bodies. May burial shrouds aid you ascent into the clouds and may you choose weather or not to return.
This was very fun and thought inspiring. Very creative, too.
I don't think you should have used <@> to represent what I'm assuming is I, though. It's extremely distracting. I also don't understand your phrasing. I think that one word per line concept just doesn't work here. It feels very spurratic and disconnected. I think you'd be better off phrasing it more like