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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Truth for the femme fatale dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WonderfulComa
    ASL Info:    18MAl
    Elite Ratio:    5.66 - 75/59/29
    Words: 224
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 883
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1203



    Description:
       If you do not read the letter from the femme fatale and the masculine reply this more than likely won't make any sense.
    Peace.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTruth for the femme fatale dots
    -------------------------------------------


    My love,
    I'm sorry that my wings have flown your way without me, due to the wind changing in the direction that I now fly. I can not reside beside you this night or any other.
    Femme fatale you are much like a snake.
    This new love that I have found is now the one whom owns my wings; she is like a hawk.
    But I am merely a field mouse in distress.
    I run in open vastness, but she sees me from above.
    She professes that I am lovely, and I reply that she is beautiful.
    While she flies, you creep across the plain, keeping low to your wretchedness.
    I'm so afraid to look up.
    Afraid that I will get lost in her beauty she displays
    If I were looking at her gracefulness too long, I would be open and unguarded for an attack.
    You are venomous, but she does not contest the same expression.
    Clinched in her beautiful claw, so therefore I could fly with her.
    I would like to be in the sky, away from the fate that awaits me on the ground; falling subject to your fangs.
    The only thing that keeps me second guessing myself is that I can't choose which I would rather be consumed by.




    Submitted on 2007-03-30 19:37:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This was sweet, but sad, like you can't seem to choose whome to follow. It reminds me of a person who is with someone but met another person. Though he loves the one he's with he still finds feelings inside for the other. Therefore he does not know who to choose. Thats how I see it anyway. Well I think its sweet. Can't wait to read another one of your great seducing poems, they all draw me in. Bye Lovely!!
    ~Erin~
    | Posted on 2007-04-11 00:00:00 | by Carter | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the sequel or whatever. I think that this poem is way better than the first. Keep up the good work!
    -AnGeL
    | Posted on 2007-04-08 00:00:00 | by bubble_popper15 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is much more developed than the first. which would make sense, because you have more to go on, off this piece. a suggestion- and some spelling corrections, to make it easier. Take out the my love, all together. not needed. it is apparent they love each other, as it is a reply. if you're going to address it to someone, you must end with a sign off, smallest nickpit ever, i know. i'm going to try something. don't feel that i'm taking over your piece, or rewriting it for you. just merely doing something differently-

    I'm sorry that my wings have flown your way
    without me.
    I can not reside beside you

    this night or any other.

    Femme fatale,
    you are so much like a snake.
    This new love that I have found,
    she owns my wings,
    is like a hawk.

    But me My love,
    I am merely a field mouse
    in distress.

    I run in open vastness,
    but she sees me from above, s
    he tells me that I am
    lovely.

    I reply that she is beautiful.

    While she flies
    you creep across the plain.

    I'm so afraid to look up,
    that I can not fly to meet her
    even half way.

    The beauty she displays as she soars
    is enough reason
    for me.

    If I looked at her gracefulness too long,
    this would be the same
    as inviting you for an attack.

    The venomous disposition that you have
    I see this not in her.

    I would rather be clinched in her beautiful claw,
    so therefore I could fly with her.

    I would like to be in the sky,
    much more than staying on the ground.

    Falling subject to your fangs.
    The only thing that keeps me second guessing
    myself is that I can't choose
    which I would rather be consumed by.

    now, see, i barely changed anything, and yet the whole mood of the piece has changed. food for thought- instead of the 'ands' and 'buts' and commas, think about line breaks. they make it more readable by the reader, allowing the mental images to form more fully before moving on to the next.

    not better, not worse. merely different. think about it.
    | Posted on 2007-04-08 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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