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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Conscious Life (Your Life) ~ Reviseddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lost_Found
    ASL Info:    24/m/hmm?
    Elite Ratio:    2.31 - 8/32/28
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Riddle/Passion
    Total Views: 620
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 238



    Description:
       PERSONAL AFFIRMATION - NOT DIRECTED AT YOU....

    Also I am not changing the title.....Thanks for the comments tho. :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsConscious Life (Your Life) ~ Reviseddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your life is no more than a glimmer of light in a falling raindrop.

    Your death, no more than a raindrop embracing the earth.

    The choices you make, and the actions you take decide where that drop will fall.




    Submitted on 2007-03-31 02:11:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I must agree with Someone's Epiphany on this one. I'm unsure why you would subtitle it "Your Life" if it's a personal affirmation. "My Life" would be more personal. Titling it "your life" addresses it to everyone who reads it, to your audience. And while your ponderings are perhaps meant to be a personal view of everyone's existance, by forcing them upon your audience, their (knee-jerk) reaction will be to reject your pretentious-sounding proclamation. They must either take it, believe it absoloutely, or leave it alone. Thus, you force the reader to either agree or disagree with the entire thought, instead of taking what you say into consideration. We shouldn't have to agree with you in order to enjoy the metaphor. But there's nothing else here, no room for consideration. You don't leave open any other possibilities. Life either is this way, or isn't. There's no gray area. There's not even black and white, just white or black, and that's definitely not how I see things.

    Now, do I agree with you? Yes and no. I agree that this metaphor is suitable, and beautiful on surface level. It's an interesting thought, though I've heard variations on the same thing many times before. Our lives may be just that in the whole spectrum of things. Beautiful but insignificant.
    And i disagree with the idea that that's ALL life is. That's it's "no more" than that. That where I end up is the ultimate goal, and not the journey downwards.

    But you see, in order to come to that conclusion, I have to accept your thinking, or reject your thinking and draw my own conclusions. And in the end, I can't linger between one or the other. Your title doesn't let me-- It has to be ALL true, or ALL false, because you're telling me it's MY life, that "this is how it is," and since I don't completely agree, I must completely reject it.

    Simply changing the title would solve all of this.
    | Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      you call this piece conscious life making it sound like we must make a conscious effort at making life work. as if we are in control of our destinies perhaps... im not sure.

    this all sounds so romantic and lovely but it doesnt really mean anything to me.
    i think you have to put more of yourself into this. more of your thoughts on this whole idea so that i can understand what it is you mean.


    Your life is no more than a glimmer of light in a falling raindrop.

    here you are making my life nothing. beautiful but nothing. a glimmer of light. fleeting. mistaken for something more. dazzling. short lived. insignificant. easily missed. minute.


    Your death, no more than a raindrop embracing the earth.

    here you are making my death ugly. life giving. insignificant. quick. impacting. minute.

    now while i understand that you are trying to make the reader stop and think about life and death i do not think that you achieve this. you are simply telling them what their life and their death are. do you know me? do you know anything about my life and experiences? are you in any position to tell me anything about my life/death...?

    realising that you are trying to ponder this from a more spiritual perspective and give this a ponderous contemplative vibe im not so sure you achieve that either.
    i think perhaps you need to make this piece more general so as to put across YOUR spiritual ideas and convictions without pinning them onto the reader because the reader may not share the same spiritual ideas as you and therefore may dismiss this whole piece.
    perhaps you could say:


    life is no more than a glimmer of light in a falling raindrop.

    death, no more than rain embracing the earth.

    i changed raindrop to rain in the second line because i feel to have two raindrops so close to eachother lessens the power of the image. right now you have life being a glimmer of light in a raindrop. that is such a tiny and easily over looked image and makes the reader stop and think about how small and short and possibly insignificant their existance could be.
    then to say that death is like rain upon the earth shows that their life had/has/will have a positive impact in/on the world as rain on the land causes things to grow... kinda like a cycle or evolution chain where one thing feeds another feeds another feeds another you know...?
    by taking out YOUR LIFE/DEATH you are less confrontational with the reader and allow them to place themselve in the piece at their own free will.

    then you go on with the third line and you get personal with the reader. after they have already put themselves into the first two lines... assessing their life and death for themselves and what it means to them you issue them a challenge to use their life well. to be more conscious as to what their life waters and where. gives them a sense of control over their own destiny perhaps... i dont know.

    i obviously cannot tell you that your thoughts and ponderings on life/death/significance are wrong or irrelevant... i am merely saying you cannot force them onto the reader and make them listen... they need to be given the opportunity to take your words or reject them but in this current revision there is no room for rejection...
    | Posted on 2007-03-31 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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