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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Words...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rubymoon
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 155/162/91
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/What is
    Total Views: 523
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 950



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWords...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    What are the words and titles?
    The meaning we give and attach to each?
    Looking and attaching titles,
    Who are we to judge each other?

    How can we do that when we donít know?
    Donít want to understand?
    What is behind the mask now?
    Why donít we take a stand?

    A stand for who are what we are inside?
    We donít have to be alone.
    When a million people is by our side,
    Why feel alone?

    Every title and word,
    Enforces us to be someone we are not.
    It is but a word,
    That binds us into something we are not.

    Donít let us all hide behind masks,
    Donít allow us to hide ourselves,
    Instead, help us break the masks,
    And let us know ourselves.

    Know who we are,
    Know what we are behind the mask.
    Isnít that what we truly are?
    The person behind the mask.





    Submitted on 2007-04-01 02:27:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ya know I dont even know why I'm commenting...maybe its just to poke at you Someones Epiphany...you seem like a real elite...dont try to spend too much time with RubyMoon...

    She writes on a level that not many would receive as good...thats because she writes thought, emotion and feeling rather then messing around prettying her works with greater style or words...

    I would rather think her words are speacial then ill written...wouldnt you agree?
    | Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by FallenAngelJC | [ Reply to This ]
      hi.

    ive got a coupla suggestions about this piece. its up to you what you do with them and if i come across harsh and sorry then i apologize now.

    i think it is great that you are trying to challenge and bring to awareness the use of words and masks in society. having said that i think if you look at quite a lot of the posts on this site you will see that they are all addressing the same thing and mostly in the same way. there is no problem with you addressing this issue too but you need to try and do it differently. you need to write it in such a way that you sound like you are writing something totally new and different because if the reader has read a whole lot of pieces that sound like this one why are they going to read it again...? i think you need to make the purpose of your writing to make yourself different. to set yourself apart from the crowd and find your own poetic voice.

    and lets look at a coupla ways you can set yourself apart from the crowd.

    ok... 4 line stanzas.
    these seem to be the current craze in everything i have read these last coupla weeks since my commenting has gone off the rails when i realised that it isnt fair of me to not comment on pieces that could use some imput to make them better... i know if people hadnt have been honest with me when i first came to this site my writing skills and knowledge wouldnt have increased so i guess im just trying to pass some of that on.
    ok... 4 line stanzas.
    what i dislike about 4 line stanzas is that it is so confining. you take your ideas and images and feelings and try to stick them into these little stanzas and really... they dont want to be stuck into these stanzas. they spill out into the following stanza in some cases or they just dont make sense in their own stanza.

    coupled with rhyme this makes them even harder to say anything. because not only are you focussing on fitting everything into 4 lines you gotta make them rhyme too. and while rhyme has its place i do not think it is in 4 line stanza pieces. the pressure to make your ideas conform to 4 line stanzas with rhyme has completely strangled your ideas here.
    i think you need to take your ideas and throw away the stanzas and the rhyme and state them clearly.
    your use of rhyme doesnt seem effective to me as it appears to be repetition of words/phrases which doesnt show much imagination or vocab use and so you would be better off to lose the rhyme even though that can be hard and unsettling if its not something you are used to writing without.

    another tip i would like to offer you on the presentation of your work is to think about it before you post it on this site. it seems to me like you wrote it up in Word and then copy and pasted it onto this site which is all good and fine except for the fact that every line starts with a capital letter and if we were to remove the line breaks for a little minutes you currently have:

    Donít let us all hide behind masks, Donít allow us to hide ourselves, Instead, help us break the masks, And let us know ourselves.

    i dont think if you were writing this all in one sentence you would have capitalised letters where they currently are so theres a little something think about just to sharpen up your posts in the future...


    now i have a big problem with all the questions in this piece...
    i know that you have a lot of questions you want answered or that you want to pose to the reader to make them think but i do not think this is an effective way to express your intent.
    i also realise that answers always produce questions and that it is a never ending cycle but i do not think a long string of questions is a very skillful way of addressing this issue.

    What are the words and titles?
    The meaning we give and attach to each?
    Looking and attaching titles,
    Who are we to judge each other?

    the thing about this list of questions in the first stanza is... its like you are setting the reader up with three rhetoric questions that they dont have to answer but that you are going to answer through the rest of the piece. you know the way you start an essay or a speech at school with the questions that you are attempting to answer... thats what this first stanza has the potential to be. but the second stanza is more questions and the third stanza even more which is just over load really.
    if you are going to ask questions you need to either give some attempt at answering them or leave them out.

    i think you have used to word "words" WAAAAAAY too much... if you use a word too much within a piece it ruins the meaning of the piece. like when your learning to spell a new word and you have to write it ten times or something and then write it into a sentence and by the end of all that it neither looks like the word its sposed to look be nor does it make sense in any sentence you put it in...

    anyways... i am going to stop for now but i hope you take this comment seriously. take some of it on board and challenge yourself to write better.
    | Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    139446

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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