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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shattered Heart Effectdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 612
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 437



    Description:
       wrote this in my truck after church today...
    it needs work, so your ideas are welcomed.
    this is the first thing that i have written in weeks, so go easy on me...
    also, the title is a working title. please point out any typos and spelling errors that you may find, i typed this on a friends p


    p.s. just trying to survive a broken heart...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShattered Heart Effectdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Soiled lips traverse
    the sultry sun
    exhausted i sigh
    her ancient secret
    upon earths solemn dawn

    Desperately i clutch
    the descending horizon
    as the moon
    weeps over my
    scourged back
    with dusky tears
    of crimson mercy

    Shattered i surrender
    this broken heart into
    Infinity's pierced hands




    Submitted on 2007-04-01 13:15:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      jp,

    my feeling with this, with a lot of your stuff is that you use too many modifiers. it's kind of like watching or looking at a final fanstasy picture.

    final fantasy is cool for a gamer, but i don't rate it as a poetry quality. be of earth, be of stars, be out

    of this world.


    Soiled lips traverse
    the sultry sun
    exhausted i sigh
    her ancient secret
    upon earths solemn dawn

    don't be me (you orienated) here, why, because in this case it's a bit not with the pious, that he knows her ancient secret makes him sound like a know it all.

    watch this:

    Soiled lips traverse
    the sultry sun
    exhausted i sigh
    her ancient secret
    unearths a solemn dawn

    I reckon that's pious. i reckon un fits with ancient and breakup,

    it's makes the mindfuc'k of uning a secret relative to the bleaking of dawn.




    Desperately i clutch
    the descending horizon
    as the moon
    weeps over my
    scourged back
    with dusky tears
    of crimson mercy

    this is yuck, and on the other hand lovely, yuck because it's too much metaphor, and lovely because the gradual slide is there in the flow. the rhythms carry you, imo the wording does not.

    Shattered i surrender
    this broken heart into
    Infinity's pierced hands

    last three lines are just terrible because they recall ten thousand cutting poems and infinity's pierced hands.

    what do i know about your girlfriend?

    in the first section there was something, the rest is grand to be something -not much at all.

    it's not hypocritical to say you use modifiers.

    i look at words differently now. i started seeing them together.

    i started seeing them backwards in relation to logic, and there's something in that.

    seeing aly on skype is missing aly here, is loving, is longing. the natural feeling is that there are two concurrent states.

    that becomes the word or the phrase,
    these two-states

    had-hammered and why that's billions better than had hammered.

    so yes, i alter things, use modifiers but i think i'm doing it to explore three things at once as well as fit with the imagery/storyline.

    you can conjure up a feeling. be better than to be just grand. grand is niceness, a poem pulls down on the pocket.

    I'm not sorry to be poetry 101 on your page, if you'd rather read me, or, or, - than one of the masters, that is a silliness. Their words have lasted, there must be a reason for that.

    I picked the people i am stalking because they are a hard working group.

    it's not arrogance, i don't think i am the cock of the walk. i have made no efforts to publish a book. when i'm ready i will see about a book, at the moment, i'm working.


    i hope you got over the shattered heart, they are buggers of things. bleak maps are the thing that a shining person will read, a gold giving woman. they are out there. those gorgeous, magnificent, can barely understand them, those terrible

    riches.

    db
    | Posted on 2011-03-03 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      I found interesting how you talk how soiled lips at the beginning. I didn't really like it though. I reckon you wanted to convey that either you or her lips are somehow polluted, perhaps, on account of having kissed somebody else. Either way, whatever the reason is, the dirty lips were odd, at least to. I wouldn't say you should change it though. I guess I have mixed feeling about the first line, it kinda sound repulsive but mysteriously scintillating, somehow.

    As to the second, stanza I would suggest to watch some of your line breaks. It sounds awkward as it is so you might want to fix them up a bit. Your lines were the following:

    "Desperately i clutch
    the descending horizon
    as the moon
    weeps over my
    scourged back
    with dusky tears
    of crimson mercy"


    And I was thinking about this:


    "Desperately I clutch
    the descending horizon
    as the moon weeps
    over my scourged back
    with dusky tears
    of crimson mercy"

    Although it isn't the perfect solution and it's only a mere suggestion I feel it does help the flow.

    The ending's got the same problem and the word "Infinity" with the apostrophe seems a bit out of place . you wrote this:


    Shattered i surrender
    this broken heart into
    Infinity's pierced hands

    I came up with this:

    "Shattered I surrender
    this broken heart
    Into Infinite pierced hands"


    I've never been very good at this you know re- writing other's work or fixing other's stanzas, come to that and I almost never do it. Hope you don't think I'm patronizing you just wanted to give you a hand with your piece. And thank you so much for the riveting comment you made on my poem. I really appreciate people that really know what this site is all about.

    Warm regards,

    Ethan
    | Posted on 2010-07-17 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd make a point to capitalize and punctuate the poem. Some writers don't like to use them. I don't know why. I guess it's a style of writing I'm not really used to. Aesthetically, they can take away or add to the poem. But on a more formal note, they bring clarity and a sense of direction and just the general reading guidelines to the poem. So I'd recommend you go through the poem and take care of that.

    Remember in the PM, you said that there's never a failure and that all it takes is a little re-arranging? Now, it's not necessary here, it's nicely compounded, but there's a few other ways of formating this poem and as an experiment (a lab one, not a playground one), you should see what other ways you can bring this all together. I'd want to see what you can come up with.

    Desperately i clutch
    the descending horizon
    as the moon
    weeps over my
    scourged back
    with dusky tears
    of crimson mercy


    Now, I'm a fan of adjectives, adverbs, descriptive words in general. But there's something about this stanza that doesn't ring well. I think it may be because every sentence has a new adjective. Nothing can be itself. And I feel like you can let some of them just be that. Like mercy can be mercy. And back can just be back. Do you get what I'm saying? Actually, even the first stanza has a bit of this problem but it's not as prevalent because the descriptions aren't as bold. It comes down to your choice of words, which ones come off as soft, and which come off as strong, and whether or not it suits the poem's theme, built-in language and the noun itself.

    Good work.
    | Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Soiled lips traverse
    the sultry sun
    exhausted i sigh
    her ancient secret
    upon earths solemn dawn

    (Desperately) i clutch
    the descending horizion
    as the moon
    weeps over my
    scourged back
    with dusky tears
    of crimson mercy

    Shattered i surrender
    this broken heart into
    Infinity's pierced hands



    You've probably distilled more emotion in these few lines than in some of your longer, more flowery works, jp. And the opening words to each strophe are a fascinating declaration in and of themselves; soiled, desparate(ly), shattered. I can't think of a more transparent way to describe your state of mind right now. You feel used, crushed and in need of mercy and kindness. Putting yourself in the hands of God is a wise choice. I wish I could say more to help ease the pain, but only time can do that.

    Take care of yourself, John Paul
    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-04-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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