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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Everywhere You...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.12 - 366/360/153
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 591
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 516



    Description:
       finished this about 3 minutes ago, its another quick write that i needed to get off my chest.
    it is a work in progress.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEverywhere You...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    This morning
    The savory sun
    Danced upon my
    Chapped lips, the
    Way your kisses
    Like orange sherbet
    Used to saturate every
    Crack and line of my
    Mouth with your soul

    Amid the dawning
    Song of blue birds
    Your elegant features
    Were etched upon
    The sarsaparilla mist
    Of the unknown day

    And my groggy eyes
    Twitch open to gaze
    Into the void that you
    Alone can fill





    Submitted on 2007-04-01 18:16:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the
    Way your kisses
    Like orange sherbet
    Used to saturate every
    Crack and line of my
    Mouth with your soul

    I like this section: love is a beast, it can really kick your ass if you're left holding the bag, at the same time you sort of have to revel in that, shake your head and admit it has thrown you in the dust, but love when it's there, or if it should return, if you are lucky enough to get it back, that is life, it gives you seeing eyes, it is eternal.... anyway, I like the feeling that the parched lips bit imparts, you know that here's a guy who swallowed the sky and what that does to/for a heart.

    Amid the dawning
    Song of blue birds
    Your elegant features
    Were etched upon
    The sarsaparilla mist
    Of the unknown day

    I really like how the last line grounds this, and because you're using the past tense, it adds sadness to it, sadness is the shadow that follows the sun from hemisphere to hemisphere, light and shade, light and shade, and I really believe that we need experiences with the one and the other to glimpse the depths of what is true.


    I'm a fatalistic bugger that way, so for the end I suggest I more open ending:

    into the void that spills from you.

    see, told you I'm fatalistic, but with something along those lines it means there's room to interpret it as you would, for me i'd go the romantic route and say it meant it began and ended with her, and so the void isn't a bad thing.

    just some thoughts, the ending seems a bit expected otherwise.

    db
    | Posted on 2010-06-26 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this. a lot.

    maybe because i have a special place in my heart for bluebirds and mist and well... kisses.

    it is odd when everywhere there is a you. how every thought or occurance can conjure up that other someone. as well, when they are no longer there, how the memory or warmth of them can linger on for what seems like forever.

    i tend to think of them as something good to think about. something to fill that void.

    anyhoo...

    i really like this. alot.
    | Posted on 2010-06-25 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      i come back to this... its my favorite...

    This morning
    The savory sun
    Danced upon my
    Chapped lips, the
    Way your kisses
    Like orange sherbet
    Used to saturate every
    Crack and line of my
    Mouth with your soul


    his lips were hardly ever chapped and if they were i would chase the dryness away with wet kisses and a slippery tongue. i remember his tightly pressed lips always consistently wooing. his tight little lips. he would get so angry every time i said that. his brow would narrow in disapproval and he would pout. the pout always had this magical way of broadening his mouth making thin thick somehow. i would have take what i said back and then lunge in to steal another kiss. does he miss my mouth? i miss his.
    | Posted on 2008-10-12 00:00:00 | by Bravo | [ Reply to This ]
      out of all of the poems you have written. this is your best one.
    | Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by Bravo | [ Reply to This ]
      This morning
    The savory sun
    Danced upon my
    Chapped lips, the
    Way your kisses
    Like orange sherbet
    (Used) to saturate every
    Crack and line of my
    Mouth with your soul

    Amid the dawning
    Song of blue birds
    Your elegant features
    Were etched upon
    The sarsaparilla mist
    Of the unknown day

    And my groggy eyes
    Twitch open to gaze
    Into the void that you
    Alone can fill



    Your impressions of this event are sharp, short and direct, jp. The imagery you used to such an overpowering effect before is more muted and delicate in this write. Pain has made you handle the subject with poignancy and tenderness.

    I wish you the best as you put your life together again.
    Take care.
    Bill.

    | Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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    139487

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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