Without You by Swimming Bird

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Submission Name: Without You dots

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Author:	Swimming Bird
ASL Info:	22/m/AR
Elite Ratio:	5.34 - 76/68/20
Words:	116

Class/Type:	Poetry/Broken
Total Views:	236
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	822

Description:
I just now wrote this sitting here at the computer. I don't know why these words came out, I've never had this feeling. All I know is that if I didn't, my brain would still be reeling.

Without You dots

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I don't know what to do.
There's nothing in my brain.
All I think about is you.
It's driving me insane!

I bang my head against the wall
To try and make it stop.
These images refuse to fall.
Instead it makes me drop.

To keep living without you,
Isn't something I can bear.
It hurts to wake anew,
And see you aren't there.

Why did you have to leave?
Whatever made you go?
I'd cross the seven seas
My love, for you to only know.

My insides often shout,
"I miss you!" every day.
All I do is sit and count,
As the seconds pass away.

Submitted on 2007-04-02 12:33:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like it. Its simple and actually...reading what other people said, I think if you changed it so it is more serious it wouldnt be like you. It has your voice in it. And even though there arent very many descriptive or colorful words, I really like the simplicity of it. Great write.
-Randee
| Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]
  yesyes, truthbetold tells the truth... the rhythm is good. it is only a little bland, but that is because you wrote it sitting at your comp. so go and figure out some better ways to say some of the stanzas... more colorful words. start with the one Karios pointed out. i love the 4th but the second needs to be a little less silly if that's not what you're going for.
| Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Laughing Bull | [ Reply to This ]
  i really like this... i can relate the feeling and it sucks i like the rythem... i think you got your point through keep writing...
| Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by truthbetold | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it, and I didn't at the same time. It's odd, I suppose, it doesn't seem like you could just write something with such a nice rhyming pattern. But you did! Which is why I like it! So spontaneous, so sudden, so whoosh!

I didn't like it for one reason, and that is this stanza...

"My insides often shout,
"I miss you!" every day.
All I do is sit and count,
As the seconds pass away."

My insides often shout, everyday...Are your insides shouting multiple times everyday? Or do your insides just often shout "I miss you"?

Karios
| Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by Karios | [ Reply to This ]

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