Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Without Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swimming Bird
    ASL Info:    31/m/AR
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 92/90/27
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 1288
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 822



    Description:
       I just now wrote this sitting here at the computer. I don't know why these words came out, I've never had this feeling. All I know is that if I didn't, my brain would still be reeling.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithout Youdots
    -------------------------------------------



    I don't know what to do.
    There's nothing in my brain.
    All I think about is you.
    It's driving me insane!

    I bang my head against the wall
    To try and make it stop.
    These images refuse to fall.
    Instead it makes me drop.

    To keep living without you,
    Isn't something I can bear.
    It hurts to wake anew,
    And see you aren't there.

    Why did you have to leave?
    Whatever made you go?
    I'd cross the seven seas
    My love, for you to only know.

    My insides often shout,
    "I miss you!" every day.
    All I do is sit and count,
    As the seconds pass away.




    Submitted on 2007-04-02 12:33:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like it. Its simple and actually...reading what other people said, I think if you changed it so it is more serious it wouldnt be like you. It has your voice in it. And even though there arent very many descriptive or colorful words, I really like the simplicity of it. Great write.
    -Randee
    | Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]
      yesyes, truthbetold tells the truth... the rhythm is good. it is only a little bland, but that is because you wrote it sitting at your comp. so go and figure out some better ways to say some of the stanzas... more colorful words. start with the one Karios pointed out. i love the 4th but the second needs to be a little less silly if that's not what you're going for.
    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Laughing Bull | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this... i can relate the feeling and it sucks i like the rythem... i think you got your point through keep writing...
    | Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by truthbetold | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it, and I didn't at the same time. It's odd, I suppose, it doesn't seem like you could just write something with such a nice rhyming pattern. But you did! Which is why I like it! So spontaneous, so sudden, so whoosh!

    I didn't like it for one reason, and that is this stanza...

    "My insides often shout,
    "I miss you!" every day.
    All I do is sit and count,
    As the seconds pass away."

    My insides often shout, everyday...Are your insides shouting multiple times everyday? Or do your insides just often shout "I miss you"?

    Karios
    | Posted on 2007-04-02 00:00:00 | by Karios | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    139539

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Chapter written by Crestfallenman
    like any good spartan written by Daniel Barlow
    Roots written by Chelebel
    Collision written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Global Death Do Incite written by MyPeriodical
    Bleeding part two written by MyPeriodical
    The written by Hazy skies
    a given written by Daniel Barlow
    Chèvrefeuille written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wisp of You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Position written by Daniel Barlow
    Reveled Night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Outside the Chain written by Wolfwatching
    Fizzy Love written by rev.jpfadeproof
    TSC written by rev.jpfadeproof
    being direct, it's written by Daniel Barlow
    Ahem written by Daniel Barlow
    Cannot Assimilate written by Daniel Barlow
    At The Bottom written by MyPeriodical
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Ballad written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled#1 written by Daniel Barlow
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    Terrified part three written by MyPeriodical
    Sweet You written by Daniel Barlow
    Things become tangled written by Daniel Barlow
    Yearn written by saartha
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie
    Sun-meeting written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry