I like it. Its simple and actually...reading what other people said, I think if you changed it so it is more serious it wouldnt be like you. It has your voice in it. And even though there arent very many descriptive or colorful words, I really like the simplicity of it. Great write.
yesyes, truthbetold tells the truth... the rhythm is good. it is only a little bland, but that is because you wrote it sitting at your comp. so go and figure out some better ways to say some of the stanzas... more colorful words. start with the one Karios pointed out. i love the 4th but the second needs to be a little less silly if that's not what you're going for.
I liked it, and I didn't at the same time. It's odd, I suppose, it doesn't seem like you could just write something with such a nice rhyming pattern. But you did! Which is why I like it! So spontaneous, so sudden, so whoosh!
I didn't like it for one reason, and that is this stanza...
"My insides often shout,
"I miss you!" every day.
All I do is sit and count,
As the seconds pass away."
My insides often shout, everyday...Are your insides shouting multiple times everyday? Or do your insides just often shout "I miss you"?