This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Shit & Blood & Roses...


Author: Ben Gunn
Elite Ratio:    3.88 - 62 /84 /40
Words: 150
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 950
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1028



Description:


Roll up Roll up -
See the funny people fighting.
If it wasn't so very sad
It might be exciting.


Shit & Blood & Roses...



Fucking bloody catastrophe - another chapter closes,
Another fucking episode of blood and shit and roses,
More heartbreak, more soul ache - shrapnel wounds galore,
Everyone's a "winner" in the middle of our war.

Words as weapons, verbal violence with express intent to maim,
Hurt the ones you love the most, then apportion blame.

Neither one giving nor requesting any quarter,
Once it was love, now it's marital slaughter,
Where anything goes, no insult too low,
The dirtier the punch, the better the blow.

Last rites were replaced with bitter bile,
Each the accused in our own twisted trial,
Pleading innocence as the vile stench of guilt
Slowly escaped from the house that lies built.

We thought the grass was greener,
but the lawn had fucking died.
Despite it being watered
By all the tears we cried.



Ben Gunn 07.95 - 2007




Submitted on 2007-04-03 13:50:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I don’t think this write can be made into consistent line / meter / stanzas – there would be too much fixing, and frankly, many of the inconsistencies do not detract at all from the energy of the writing (might even add to it). I have a few suggestions:
S1L3: The 2nd “more” is unnecessary, and produces an awkward skip. IMO, just, “More heartbreak, soul ache - shrapnel wounds galore” works better.
Similarly, in S2L1, the “with” is problematic. The sound involves 3 off-beats in a row, even if “violence” is spoken curtly: “...VI lence with ex PRESS in TENT to MAIM”. I think it would sound better without the “with”. If you think it would dilute the meaning, you could change the line a bit: “...violence, speech intended to maim”. A lot of room to work with this, but I do feel a bit of awkwardness around the word “with”.
Ditto thehappyfaery – the last stanza is a hell of a wrap-up – well written, powerful and leaves us – the reader – with a lingering image.
Overall, the poem makes me glad I never married. It was bad enough with girlfriends, and the divorce statistics are certainly not encouraging.
fred
| Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  i agree with thehappyfaery on "The dirtier the punch" line (ha, i made a funny. punch...line...get it? anyway). it sounds okay and it really wouldn't HAVE to be changed, but it just might sound smoother if it was tweaked a bit. you have good, precise diction. really vivid and it cuts deep and being able to rhyme as well as you do with it is impressive. good write and keep it up.
~nick
| Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by reluctant_hero | [ Reply to This ]
  really well stated. the only suggestion i have here is possibly adding another syllable on the line "The dirtier the punch, the better the blow" to continue the flow of the stanza. your last stanza was amazing for simply adding such a common thought to "but the lawn had [censored] died." awesome lines
| Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by thehappyfaery | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



139674