Moonlight Frost by UnderINK

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Submission Name: Moonlight Frost dots

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Author:	UnderINK
Elite Ratio:	8 - 113/53/25
Words:	223

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	283
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	1453

Description:

Moonlight Frost dots

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If I had a single penny
For every thought of you,
I'd pour them in a wishing well,
And ask that they come true.

Then I'd lay me down to sleep
On pillows made of rain,
And ask that every drop of it
Would take away your pain.

And when I close my eyes tonight,
I'll touch the moonlight frost.
And I will ask that I can see
The angel that I lost.

Your smile wrapped in emerald leaves
Drifting in my dreams,
As you dance across the starlit lake;
A spirit always free.

But for some things I'd never wish,
Like to clip your graceul wings
So you can feel the winter's cold,
And the sorrow that it brings.

With moonlight frost upon your heels,
And upon your lips and hair,
You sway beneath the midnight breeze;
A feather in the air.

Yet, your fragile feet can't touch this ground
In fear that you might break.
So, I'll hold you tight with arms of glass
Upon this silver lake.

And swans will circle under us;
A thousand snowflake hearts.
And for a minute it is gone--
The reason we're apart.

But now the waking dawn has come
To melt your ghost of frost.
So sleep within the moonlight, love--
The angel that I lost.

Submitted on 2007-04-03 23:07:19 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  That was beautiful. All I can say. Really it is. It is really. Really. (sorry, from one of my fav anime characters naneko)
| Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
  I am glad I found the time to read this. It is quite wonderful. The rhyme scheme is excellent, and it has that lovely air of wistfulness that I always enjoy in a poem. I love the fantasy of it all, the mystery, the bliss. Angels are the demons we cherish with our souls. The wording was very good I must say. Very detailed in description as well. The second to last line was a bit confusing for me, but I'm sure upon taking another look at it, the meaning shall become more clear.

Your Beautiful Nightmare,
Lilithe Amara Aislin
| Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I promised to take a look at your work, my friend, and I'm so glad I did. This poem is absolutely STUNNING!

This piece is most definitely going into my favorites. But I suppose I should supply you with some reasons why.

Reason #1: Terrific rhyme scheme
Reason #2: The description was enchanting
Reason #3: The emotion was endearing
Reason #4: The whole poem rocks!

Okay, your rhyme scheme was incredible. I rarely say that, because most rhyme schemes do not flow, or have a good rhythm. This, though simple, nicely ties the piece together without distracting the reader from the beauty of the writing. Some schemes become so complicated that you lose the elegance of the piece in the confusion.

My favorite part of writing, especially poetry, is using descriptive language. And this poem is bursting with it. Its not over-whelming to the point where you feel like its a sensory over-load, but rather vivid enough to subtly paint this picture of sorrow and regret. Though I loved every line, my favorite was probably the second stanza. Its such a unique way of describing the love you still bear this person, and its almost as though you suggest your tears should wash away their pain. Or maybe I just read way into it :)

This poem dearly touched my heart, because I recently broke up with someone I thought was my soul-mate. It just wasn't working any longer, but I still dream that our problems could not exist for just a few moments and we could make it work with just our love. It was harder yet because he was my best friend for two years before we dated, and though I regret that our problems tore us apart, I still would take away all the pain I've caused him if I could. He's so very dear to my heart, he's my "lost angel" as well. Thanks for writing such a touching piece, I can well imagine this as a hit song. God bless!

~Jen~

| Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]
  What beautiful imagery! I really had a very wonderland of winter painted in my imagination as a result of this. Too bad I couldn't read it while it was snowing!

peace, lucydiamond
| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
  The poem was originally inspired by a friend telling me a story about being in Leningrad and dropping a coin into a wishing fountain. I didn't intend to connect the colors and didn't even take the color copper into account. I suppose when I look over it to figure out my intention with that, I would say that the penny in being copper represents the real world, while the winter scene it transitions to (silver, white, blue) is meant to be the dream.

Sometimes I have subconscious intentions or connections I can later make. Thanks for pointing that out.
| Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
  In terms of song lyrics (which I am much more familiar with than other forms of poetry), this is wonderful. You can seriously feeling the rhythm of the words, and reading it, I could hear a melody. The musician in me is itching to write a tune for it....It's awesome that you can create such a feeling. It was so enchanting and vivid. The only awkward thing was moving for the copper of a penny to the silver. There wasn't too much of a connection between the colors. The penny, though beautiful, didn't fit in with the rest of the poem. It is absolutely gorgeous as a whole.
- Little Lotte N.
| Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by Lotte Noir | [ Reply to This ]
  Just so you guys know about my poem, the connecting words like that that I tend to use are because the poem is also a song and when Leifur first played it out in rhythm, the extra syllables that they gave it made it sound better. This is the song-altered version of it.
| Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a fine poem. Your imagry here is original and refreshing. I really enjoyed reading it.

A couple things I would do differently. You over use your "and", "but", "like", "as" words. 8 of your lines start with and. Many of them you could omit and I think it would improve the piece. If you dont mind you might try it this way.

If I had a single penny
For every thought of you,
I'd pour them in a wishing well,
And ask that they come true.

(no and here)Then I'd lay me down to sleep
On pillows made of rain,
(4th lind also starts "and ask that so I would change the next one)
And ask that every drop of it
(maybe "to beg that every drop of it" butidontknow)
Would take away your pain.

(no and here) when I close my eyes tonight,
I'll touch the moonlight frost.
(or here) I will ask that I can see
The angel that I lost.

Your smile wrapped in emerald leaves
Drifting in my dreams,
As (I would omit "as" also) you dance across the starlit lake;
A spirit always free.

for some things I'd never wish,
Like to clip your graceful wings
So you can feel the winter's cold,
the sorrow that it brings.

With moonlight frost upon your heels,
upon your lips and hair,
You sway beneath the midnight breeze;
A feather in the air.

your fragile feet can't touch this ground
In fear that you might break.
So I'll hold you tight with arms of glass
Upon this silver lake.

swans will circle under us;
A thousand snowflake hearts.
for a minute it is gone--
The reason we're apart.

But now the waking dawn has come
To melt your ghost of frost.
So sleep within the moonlight, love--
The angel that I lost.

I think that makes it better, but its your piece. I dont usually like rhyming pieces but the originallity in your writting does well for it here. Very good. A fav. and nice to meet you.
| Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
  This peice is very alive & enchanting. It is honest and emotional. You ended well in the last stanza as you seemed to awaken (with the dawn) as if from a dream.

The only thing I have, as far as "criticism" is extra words that seem unnecessary such as "but" - I don't know what it is with me & that word... anyway, good job, nonetheless.

Take Care,

Sarah
| Posted on 2007-04-11 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
  But your fragile feet can't touch this ground
In fear that you might break.
So I'll hold you tight with arms of glass
Upon this silver lake.

And swans will circle under us;
A thousand snowflake hearts.
And for a minute it is gone--
The reason we're apart.

But now the waking dawn has come
To melt your ghost of frost.
So sleep within the moonlight, love--
The angel that I lost.

This has the cadence of funerary poetry (and the feel of neo-romanticism) in its 'sadness borne of beauty' theme. The sense of loss portrayed in the write is muted by the very real understanding that those who have passed from the earth may be in a better place than those left behind to mourn them. So far, this easily the most accesible of all the posts I've read on your page.

Take care
Bill
| Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it. Wow. Stunned. And I apologize for the post on the forum. This is amazing. You have a real talent. Beautiful. I can't say much more.
| Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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12. Does it feel original?

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