[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Still Waters Run Deepdots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 442

       I was in a peculiar mood when I wrote this. It was pretty fun. The tempo on the first stanza is a little off. I'll get around to fixing it at one point or another.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStill Waters Run Deepdots

    You may throw
    all the mossy,
    foul stones you like.

    I will make the pretense
    of being affected. A few angry drops,
    the bright sun refracted
    straight back into your eyes.

    Despite all this apparent anger,
    deep waters hum beneath the surface.
    And eventually, darling,
    you will run out of stones.

    Submitted on 2007-04-07 00:56:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      it was nice, to take some time off from this site, and come back to so many talented new writers. you use words effectively, so this going to be mostly a critique of praise (thank god). you more than make up for all the cliché, angsty teens on this site who don't dig deeper for hidden meanings; not to mention this isn't an attempt at rhyme. too many people try and skip straight to rhyming before they put the foundation of meaning under their piece (probably my most hated thing EVER), and just find convenient words to match, losing all of the meaning within their piece. although, i think after reading this piece that you could do rhyming justice. which is a high compliment, because i can't even do it myself.

    although i get the feeling you don't have to dig at all. it seems like hidden meanings are part of your genetic makeup, they come so easily for you. anyways, stanza by stanza is my preferred method of critque (or praise, as the case may be), so here goes...

    You may throw
    all the mossy,
    foul stones you like.

    you think the tempo is off, in this stanza? i don't. it might be a little offbeat, but it comes across as intentional. and brava, on the skewed imagery of something so innocent as throwing stones into water as something hurtful. good imagery, mossy- moss has to develop in dark, moisture-filled places, like where we cry. i don't know about you, but i, for one have never cried in sunshine. it's always quiet, dark and secretive. if i stay there too long, moss develops, depression develops. insect-infected? good line, sister. good line.

    I will make the pretense
    of being affected. A few angry drops,
    the bright sun refracted
    straight back into your eyes.

    the pretense of being affected? good line. you're haughty beyond your years. in a lovely, educated and intelligent, but not spoiled princess sort of way. in the way that you know you're better than him. yet being better than then doesn't always make us not fall for them, does it? we come to regret it though. the anger surfaces, and we want to hurt. well, i want to hurt anyways. i won't put words into your mouth. you're completely competent at expressing yourself, by yourself.

    Despite all this apparent anger,
    deep waters hum beneath the surface.
    And eventually, darling,
    you will run out of stones.

    deep waters hum beneath the surface. brilliant. i'm going to go on a bit of a digression here, but hold on... it'll be worth it and it will make sense in the end (sort of, i promise). there's a salutation in yoga called moon salutation. it's lesser known because yoga has traditionally been a practice of men. so most people only know sun salutation, which is all about stepping forward, being aggressive and energizing yourself. people overlook moon salutation, which is about feminine energy. it's a beautiful run of postures- standing mountain, half moon, backbend, goddess pose, triangle pose, runner's stretch, half squat, full squat, half squat to the other other, runner's stretch to the other side, triangle to the other side, goddess pose, half moon to the other side, standing mountain, half moon, backbend, full moon, back to tadasana (standing mountain) with hands in prayer pose.

    the reason why it's important is this- it's not aggressive at all, it's about moving inward, perfecting the poses and dropping and opening your hips. it's beautiful, a celebration of all things feminine... but it it is a still pose, deep and solidifying.

    and eventually, they will run out of stones. you are right. until then, i have my moon salutation.

    what do you have?
    | Posted on 2007-04-07 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Push written by JanePlane
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Giving written by jjd
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Bond written by saartha
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Fasade written by jackz
    Wavelength written by saartha
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Song written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]