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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Still Waters Run Deepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 442



    Description:
       I was in a peculiar mood when I wrote this. It was pretty fun. The tempo on the first stanza is a little off. I'll get around to fixing it at one point or another.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStill Waters Run Deepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You may throw
    all the mossy,
    insect-infested,
    foul stones you like.

    I will make the pretense
    of being affected. A few angry drops,
    the bright sun refracted
    straight back into your eyes.

    Despite all this apparent anger,
    deep waters hum beneath the surface.
    And eventually, darling,
    you will run out of stones.




    Submitted on 2007-04-07 00:56:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      it was nice, to take some time off from this site, and come back to so many talented new writers. you use words effectively, so this going to be mostly a critique of praise (thank god). you more than make up for all the cliché, angsty teens on this site who don't dig deeper for hidden meanings; not to mention this isn't an attempt at rhyme. too many people try and skip straight to rhyming before they put the foundation of meaning under their piece (probably my most hated thing EVER), and just find convenient words to match, losing all of the meaning within their piece. although, i think after reading this piece that you could do rhyming justice. which is a high compliment, because i can't even do it myself.

    although i get the feeling you don't have to dig at all. it seems like hidden meanings are part of your genetic makeup, they come so easily for you. anyways, stanza by stanza is my preferred method of critque (or praise, as the case may be), so here goes...

    You may throw
    all the mossy,
    insect-infested,
    foul stones you like.

    you think the tempo is off, in this stanza? i don't. it might be a little offbeat, but it comes across as intentional. and brava, on the skewed imagery of something so innocent as throwing stones into water as something hurtful. good imagery, mossy- moss has to develop in dark, moisture-filled places, like where we cry. i don't know about you, but i, for one have never cried in sunshine. it's always quiet, dark and secretive. if i stay there too long, moss develops, depression develops. insect-infected? good line, sister. good line.

    I will make the pretense
    of being affected. A few angry drops,
    the bright sun refracted
    straight back into your eyes.

    the pretense of being affected? good line. you're haughty beyond your years. in a lovely, educated and intelligent, but not spoiled princess sort of way. in the way that you know you're better than him. yet being better than then doesn't always make us not fall for them, does it? we come to regret it though. the anger surfaces, and we want to hurt. well, i want to hurt anyways. i won't put words into your mouth. you're completely competent at expressing yourself, by yourself.

    Despite all this apparent anger,
    deep waters hum beneath the surface.
    And eventually, darling,
    you will run out of stones.

    deep waters hum beneath the surface. brilliant. i'm going to go on a bit of a digression here, but hold on... it'll be worth it and it will make sense in the end (sort of, i promise). there's a salutation in yoga called moon salutation. it's lesser known because yoga has traditionally been a practice of men. so most people only know sun salutation, which is all about stepping forward, being aggressive and energizing yourself. people overlook moon salutation, which is about feminine energy. it's a beautiful run of postures- standing mountain, half moon, backbend, goddess pose, triangle pose, runner's stretch, half squat, full squat, half squat to the other other, runner's stretch to the other side, triangle to the other side, goddess pose, half moon to the other side, standing mountain, half moon, backbend, full moon, back to tadasana (standing mountain) with hands in prayer pose.

    the reason why it's important is this- it's not aggressive at all, it's about moving inward, perfecting the poses and dropping and opening your hips. it's beautiful, a celebration of all things feminine... but it it is a still pose, deep and solidifying.

    and eventually, they will run out of stones. you are right. until then, i have my moon salutation.

    what do you have?
    | Posted on 2007-04-07 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]


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