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Crossroads of Change


Author: Trifecta
ASL Info:    14.male.Somewhere
Elite Ratio:    5.58 - 32 /34 /28
Words: 175
Class/Type: Lyrics /Longing
Total Views: 919
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1297



Description:


This is a silly song.


Crossroads of Change



Can you feel it?
The blood of another
Can you feel it?
The heat of release
Can you feel it?
The chill of after shock
Can you feel it?
The earthquake inside

I'm gonna bring you there
I'm gonna filth the air with you
Your voice will rip into me
And mine will rip through to you
We'll change the world today
We'll change ourselves today

Timid fantasies
Fierce realities
Turn around and go again
This is what we've waited for
Every opening
Every movement
We're making the best of this
Oh yeah

We're going down to there
We're gonna stain the air
Your voice is pleasure to me
And I hope mine's the same to you
We're gonna transform
We're gonna change again

Timid fantasies
Fierce realities
Turn around and go again
This is what we've waited for
Every opening
Every movement
We're making the best of this
Oh yeah

Don't be afraid to change
Don't be afraid of me
Don't be afraid to change
We're gonna go away




Submitted on 2007-04-07 06:52:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Yum.
| Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
  this flirts a little bit with sounding insincere... maybe like it was an exercise written for class, because there's so much deeper you could bring this, with just a little bit of work. but then i looked at your profile, saw your age and smacked myself. i wasn't writing like this when i was 14. let's stanza by stanza this and see where it goes. if i make criticisms, it's not because i'm calling you a bad writer (which some other people seem to assume), it's because i see a lot of promise, and i want to help you make this even more wonderful than it already is...

Can you feel it?
The blood of another
Can you feel it?
The heat of release
Can you feel it?
The chill of after shock
Can you feel it?
The earthquake inside

i think, perhaps, that while repetition can serve to enhance the power of a piece, you're not giving enough information between the repetition to make the reader interested in what's going on. they know what to expect, and the imagery isn't strong enough to draw them away from repetition, and then back into the swing, and then away again. maybe expand on the ideas in between the repetitions, or get rid of them altogether-

The blood of another.
The heat of release.
The chill of aftershock
The earthquake inside.
Can you feel it?

not better, not worse. just different.

I'm gonna bring you there
I'm gonna filth the air with you
Your voice will rip into me
And mine will rip through to you
We'll change the world today
We'll change ourselves today

very witty, i'm gonna filth the air with you. but you need to be more specific. the more specific you are, the more you're going to bring the audience and the reader into your story. where are you going to bring me, and since you used the word you, you're making it very personal. so don't stop halfway. bring them entirely there with you. be specific, don't worry about being too long- if you entrance the reader, they will read tomes and not notice.

Timid fantasies
Fierce realities
Turn around and go again
This is what we've waited for
Every opening
Every movement
We're making the best of this
Oh yeah

i like the concept of making the beast, and the contrast between timid and fierce... but again, make it specific!!! what kind of movements, what kind of openings, why have we waited for it... why am i going again? explain!!! i'm waiting! i want to be part of this, but it's a little vague.

We're going down to there
We're gonna stain the air
Your voice is pleasure to me
And I hope mine's the same to you
We're gonna transform
We're gonna change again

where are we going down to? how are we going to stain the air? with what, what colours are they? why is my voice pleasure to you, why should it be? what do i mean to you and WHAT IS THE CONFLICT that we must solve? change again, you say? how did we change before? you don't have to explain these fully, just elude to them, leave the reader knowing, but guessing... give them enough to whet their appetite, but leave enough blank so they can imagine lots themselves.

Timid fantasies
Fierce realities
Turn around and go again
This is what we've waited for
Every opening
Every movement
We're making the best of this
Oh yeah

repetition works. but only if it has enough imagery and personal pull to make the reader want it.

Don't be afraid to change
Don't be afraid of me
Don't be afraid to change
We're gonna go away

don't be upset, and don't let this get to your ego. you're a talented writer. i just wish i could have had someone say these things to me when i was 14, instead of trying to figure them out by myself. who knows where i would be if i had this site, and this many other writers willing to give critiques just because they too, understand and love the craft?

hope you try this a different way!
| Posted on 2007-04-07 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]


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