the sun itself sees not till heaven clears
her eyes are shut 'til he is near
and she feels safe
her smiles all seem fake
her laugh so unreal
until she can feel more free to feel
and let the mirage of mystery
heal
tearing off the band-iad
protecting the pain of everlost memories
trying to move on through sleepless days
restless nights
her eyes hold hope
and transluscent tears
no one notices
when she sheds her fears
because she has already lost what she held
dear
everything worth mentioning is in the end of the story
her soft features
beckoning for another storyteller
to take over
talk her way out of this mess
I really enjoyed the celestial imagery in this poem, until the mention of the band-aid. Apart from that, however, there is a myth-like quality to this poem and echoes Greek and Latin legends. Despite this, however, I feel, as I mentioned before, that the band-aid was a weak spot in the poem. It really stands out in the imagery you set up earlier, and is a little ugly. Finally, the ending of the poem felt a little weak, but generally, very nice images, and I just think that some of the word choice could be better ;)
--Alan
This is a fine poem, with an interesting use of intermittant rhyme ... the poem has a wonderfully soft tone throughout .... an excellent poem! bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
the sun itself sees not till heaven clears
her eyes are shut 'til he is near
and she feels safe
her smiles all seem fake
her (laughter) so unreal
until she can feel more free to feel
and let the (mirage) of mystery
heal
tearing off the (band-aid)
protecting the pain of everlost memories
trying to move through sleepless days
(restless) nights
her eyes hold hope
and transluscent tears
no one notices
when she sheds her fears
because she has already lost what she held
dear
everything worth mentioning is @ the end of the story
her soft features
beckoning for another storyteller
to take over
talk her way out of this mess
Beautiful eyes, miserable heart. "Until she can feel more free to feel" is quite a good line and sums up succinctly the emotional coma described in this write. I think it's possible to use stronger phrasing to close this post, especially after the 'soft features' line. Maybe 'her soft features seek another story/ another tale to take her out of this mess.' Just a thought.
Submission Name: beautiful eyes
