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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: schizophrenic monologuedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: freeradical
    ASL Info:    22/feline/london
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 311/405/63
    Words: 629
    Class/Type: Prose/Satire
    Total Views: 4923
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 3660



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsschizophrenic monologuedots
    -------------------------------------------


    deep within i swear
    this is the last poem ever written
    for you?

    bullshit. i was stupid on love
    (not just alcohol)
    when i wrote
    the drunken soliliquoy.

    even yoga reminds me of how
    you loved the way my
    body
    c o n t o rt s.

    you loved it for your pleasure.

    ....fitting

    i felt more in control
    with my legs behind my head
    than i ever did
    when you held my hand

    i knew how to make you do
    as i wished
    when you wanted to fuck me.

    i didn't know what to do,
    when you wanted to loved me.

    so although it's no one's fault-
    it's obviously
    you.
    or me.

    but since i am the heroine
    of my own life
    (the heroin of yours)
    i shall play victor.

    and smash your jaw beneath
    my foot.

    just so i'll never hear you say
    i love you
    again.

    you follow me.
    everywhere

    so i set you free.

    the girl you loved is no longer alive.

    (i smothered her in all the 'i love yous' i collected from you when they bounced off my armor and you turned around to observe some imagined thing so i wouldn't see the pain in your eyes and i collected them and hid them in my pocket but maybe i should have worn them on my sleeve but you scared me you scared me so much and i just wanted to be alive and feel but i couldn't because you scared me and every time you kissed me i slipped a little further towards the cliff and if i fell off there's no guarantee you would have caught me even thought you promised me you would because i can't trust you because... i can't... trust... myself?)

    or maybe
    she's just not so stupid anymore.
    because the thing is,
    she'd kill you

    before she'd take her own life.

    (come back)

    (i'm not so scared anymore)

    are you listening?

    (how could you, when anything of meaning is shoved within two brackets, obscured by ellipses, meant to be shared with everyone but you)

    (i love you)(i think)

    and i'm good at thinking (so i must be good, at loving).

    russian roulette with a redhead on a bender.

    (when what she really wants is to be bent over by you)

    no. scratch that. stop making it sexual because you're too scared to make it sensual.

    (what? ...i don't understand why you'r-

    shut up. say it to him if you're going to say it to everyone else.

    ( )

    you can't.

    ( )

    see, you're writing i love you. over and over. a million times. in invisible ink. wake up. it's not no one's fault. you shouldn't have thrown dishes at him and he should have realized that when you sat, shaking and babbling on the floor, telling him you hated him, what you really meant was that you hated how scared he made you feel.

    (and he should have realized that the only way he could have made it better was by gathering me up and rocking me back and forth)

    he's not going to touch a rabid alleycat.

    (even if he knows that she knows that he knows how to make her purr)

    scaredy cat. learn how to purr by yourself.




    Submitted on 2007-04-07 15:50:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Odd, tragic, and almost comical. Your bracket side is horny. She kept talking about sex and contact, while you spoke reason and truth. She's probably your id come to life. Dealing with things that you can't deal with by indulging in pleasures.

    Anyways, this made me smile. This is very inventive and a neat way of representing schizophrenia. I love stuff like this. It reminds of the book "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden".

    Superb!
    | Posted on 2007-09-27 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a wonderfull beautifully amazing piece
    i havent read anything like this lately, and it makes me think of myself lately, the way my mind is, and how i get my thoughts out, editing for few, and saving the truth for the world, to spread like jelly over the earth like toast
    i think this was quite nicely written. the way you blended the sexual nostalgia with the raw emotion that is gripping and insane and driving you insane, holding you (or maybe this is just me) hostage until you want to scream it away into the night, make it diappear into a bottle or a white mountain or (quite fittingly for this piece) a needle
    i think you have amazing talent and i am so very glad that i managed to stumble upon this....

    wonderfully nifty
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-09-26 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful in many ways. I wont bother repeating things already said, but I must say you do a glorious job of summarizing such an obscur feeling. It is the strongest of women that hold the deadliest of fears. People don't realize how hard it is sometimes - personally, I realize in myself that I am a control freak and I try to work with it. The good thing is . . . my sweetheart knows how to listen to what I say and every 'go away' and 'I hate you' is understood as a confession of love.

    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly, this just reminds me of another angst poem, about someone who's having issues with a guy about how they've done this or that and it doesn't really make any sense when you blend it in metaphorically....it's actually quite bland as I look over a few lines. It's nothing personal, as I can bet you were just pouring out random emotion, and that's why I can semi-correlate your title to the poem itself.

    Smash the parentheticals, or the stanzas, because the flow is absolutely shot when you get from stanza to stanza then you open with a huge ass parenthetical. That is one of the things that majorly killed this for me.

    There's a lot of things you're trying to connect in the beginning, and I don't think the point is coming across. I mean, I get the main idea, but the writing is so poor the concept is becoming more and more abstract as I go along.

    In the 'poetic' parts, nothing is really poetic. It's just random phrases tied together with little to no flow or rhyme or anything making you want to stop reading at the end of the first stanza. It's all just words. You're not telling the reader ANYTHING beyond what is already told in the first or second stanza.

    However, one would be oblivious to the potential after your first paragraph-parenthetical. The parentheses were fitting with the response in non-parentheses. I could visually imagine the voice going through as I read it.

    and...welll..... the rest goes on into obscure commentary to the person the writer is talking to. No one can really understand what is going on at this point. In a poetic style, it's not necessarily a bad thing to be vague in descriptions as to increase the mystery, but you're being very clear, and using obvious descriptions throughout your work, so I guess that's what is frustrating me the most. You probably don't want anyone to really 'understand', anyway, I'm sure. I don't see why you didn't be a little more educated about word choice. I'm still uncertain whether there would still be anything to it if you explained it to me yourself.
    | Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn girl. You are obsessed. Wake up! Sex is zero. Love flickers an the edges of your soul. "no. scratch that. stop making it sexual because you're too scared to make it sensual." See even one part of you knows. You want something different but you need another man. A real one. You gotta play a game at first, don't be easy. Play hard to get. Maybe you'll get a hard one.
    | Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      I thoroughly enjoyed this peice. I think the obscenity in this poem really fits in. I don't mind being obscene myself, so I don't care if you are.

    I like the fact that you have two speakers in this peice, hence the title. I was thinking that perhaps it's not schizophrenia, maybe just two conflicting feelings. One wants you to tell the person what you're writing, the other is to scared.

    Well, well done on this, and I'm probably going to read some more of your work later. You're a great writer. Thanks for putting this on this site to read. It was truely not a waste of time.

    Sincerely,
    Draigon
    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      i felt more in control
    with my legs behind my head
    than i ever did
    when you held my hand

    i knew how to make you do
    as i wished
    when you wanted to [censored] me.

    i didn't know what to do,
    when you wanted to loved me.

    so although it's no one's fault-
    it's obviously
    you.
    or me.

    but since i am the heroine
    of my own life
    (the heroin of yours)
    i shall play victor.

    and smash your jaw beneath
    my foot.

    just so i'll never hear you say
    i love you
    again.

    you follow me.
    everywhere

    so i set you free.

    the girl you loved is no longer alive.

    (i smothered her in all the 'i love yous' i collected from you when they bounced off my armor and you turned around to observe some imagined thing so i wouldn't see the pain in your eyes and i collected them and hid them in my pocket but maybe i should have worn them on my sleeve but you scared me you scared me so much and i just wanted to be alive and feel but i couldn't because you scared me and every time you kissed me i slipped a little further towards the cliff and if i fell off there's no guarantee you would have caught me even thought you promised me you would because i can't trust you because... i can't... trust... myself?)



    I agree, you have been deeply wounded at sometime somewhere and trust is (typically) a major issue. And rather than sound like a psychologist slowly peeling away layers of a writer's psyche, I'll just make the observation that you love someone you can't begin to trust because you don't love yourself. Too much emotional investment in too many men has left you with an open wound and boatloads of insecurity based on the nasty wrestling match between physical need and the ease with which you fall for the less than worthy.

    And the only question I'm left with is 'if the right man arrived at your doorstep, would you know it and would you let him into your life?'

    Very nicely written, by the way
    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-04-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      why do you have a ? there?
    deep within i swear
    this is the last poem ever written
    for you? <----- that one right there
    | Posted on 2007-04-08 00:00:00 | by HappyBuddaH | [ Reply to This ]
      You continue to astonish me, This piece is so freaking raw. I absolutely adore it, though most people may give you the whole

    "It's crude and obscene, there's no reason to use that kind tone in a poem..." Blah Blah Blah

    Two words, Wreck them. I've had too many people tell me that many of my works are 'too obscene' or simply 'understood as being said' rather than sit back and enjoy the work itself.

    I think thats what I like about this piece in particular, there's no cookie-cutter for writings (however much people seem to hint at the fact that one's works must fit into a single category) I think that is especially true here.
    .
    Sanity purely subjective, people have their ideas about what 'normal' and 'sane' are, But when it all comes down to it sanity is just a word. In this piece you continue to argue with yourself, it seems as if you've split your character traits and flaws down the middle. One person, the 'Victim' is oblivious while the other (the Victor if you will) is in a complete state of understanding about the world around her, and better yet completely understands the flaws of the Victim. It's funny I do the same thing, I envision two selves after every traumatic experience in my life. One , is all knowing, knew this was coming all along and subtly advised the other to stay the hell away. While the other is weak and gullible, all at fault for the mistakes and shortcomings of my (their/our) life. My question is, is how the hell does the weak one always have main say in what happens? why isn't it the strong guy/girl who knows better who calls the shots?

    It's safe to say that many of the points made here are beyond me, simply because I am trying to understand it from your standpoint. Yet I doubt that is possible, within each line I detect an entire novel of unwritten words. The best I can do (in giving a 'thoughts' comment) is to say that you obviously know what is good for you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a fact.

    Most of the lines just spoke to me in a dull melodic haze of 'atmospheric' writing. Telling me what I just regurgitated above. However two lines stuck out to me, shining beyond the rest:


    the girl you loved is no longer alive.
    (followed by the paragraph in parenthesis)

    Simply amazing, and truly to the point. I feel like after Brand-X (ex-girlfriend) and I broke up that I had to murder a part of myself to cope, otherwise I would have just slumped into a pile of regret and depression. It just seems like one of those things you have to do sometimes. Yet I've never really thought about it until I read this.

    scaredy cat. learn how to purr by yourself.

    This line really really really yelled at me, I've been so lost lately yet I'm learning self-sufficiency (at a great expence to my love life). Um....that's about it

    -Slanderous
    | Posted on 2007-04-07 00:00:00 | by SlanderousLust | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    5. Which parts?
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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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