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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Secret Loverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cora Windover
    ASL Info:    1,292/it/Radiant Garden
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 862/763/204
    Words: 224
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 1263
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1386



    Description:
       for Laura.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Secret Loverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I see your face in my memory sometimes -
    You sparkle,
    You shine for me.
    I've always seen the best in you,
    The best of you.
    Sometimes I find myself wondering what it'd be like
    If I let myself love you
    (in that way)
    I can't imagine it.
    But there's no way this is nothing -
    No,
    I love you far too much for that.
    I care about you,
    Agonize for you,
    Forget you exist sometimes...
    But I come back to you like a moth to a flame,
    Entranced by you.
    I remember when I danced with you -
    Hot and heady and my body was on fire,
    Lit by the embers of our shared desire.

    I see your face in my memory sometimes,
    And I know I'll hold you close forever,
    You're my best friend.
    Grafted to my soul until the end.

    So sin with me, my secret lover.
    I'll never tell you, but our time together -
    How I wish that it could last forever.
    I'll never tell you what I can't express,
    I need you,
    I dream you and my heart yearns for you.
    I claw at you.
    I'm jealous of the world from you - of everything and nothing
    Yes, you're freer than the breeze.
    I love you,
    And until tomorrow,
    Let my heart freeze.




    Submitted on 2007-04-07 21:14:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      you say you alot. Like more than neccesary. Here let me showing you in the first stanza

    I see your face in my memory sometimes -
    sparkling,
    You shine for me.
    I've always seen the best,
    The best of you.
    Sometimes I find myself wondering what it'd be like,
    If I let myself love you
    (in that way)
    I can't imagine it.
    But there's no way this is nothing - PROBABLY SHOULDNT USE <I>WAY</I> AGAIN.
    No,
    I love you far too much for that.
    <I>I care about you,
    Agonize for you,</I>
    Forget you exist sometimes...
    But I come back to you like a moth to a flame,
    Entranced by you.
    I remember when I danced with you -
    Hot and heady and my body was on fire,
    Lit by the embers of our shared desire.

    The part about caring and agonizing is a bit awkward. I dont think agonize is the correct word choice. Plus the repetition of you is a bit monotonous.

    There are alot of points where I am like...mmm this is good. But there are more where I am like... eh? The idea is clear but the structure isnt. It is hard to tell where you are going with it. Maybe explain why this love is so secret, instead of defining it as just plain love?

    Well I would say more but I must be off,
    -Randee


    | Posted on 2007-04-08 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]


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    139993

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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