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happy easter

Author: Ygi
ASL Info:    17/m
Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 290 /149 /165
Words: 374
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1127
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2178


i did this using what I think is a somewhat new style of thought than I usually do, it's a little more abstract, but despite many abstract elements, I tried to keep it true to a story (although not always the same story, it is not completely linear at all), but described events in ways they came in my head, in an almost dreamlike state


happy easter

Now we spot the ocean
flowing through bodies
we try to let it free but
red just turns up and dances quietly to
the freedom you could give
so we ride along the road and its sides rise
as the tracks we ride, go up to the sky
into the mouth of the sun who swallows everything she loves
and we go out the moons back door, floating through outerspace
he whispers be happy you didn't stay but
we hate him anyways
is it so wrong I love you
after all I've done is look into your eyes is
that romantic or just shallow american values

the fields glow as the trains soar on the tracks
it screechs to a halt and taps domino
people who come and fall all in a line while no one notices the family
that dies inside

I miss them though I never knew them
any better than you did and
I wish that I could of done something more
as her friends tears came and went
the ocean seemed to be much prettier than I had ever known and
the moon was sleeping in it for the night
the ducks all floated right
on over
astronaughts on planet earth

now as we go to kiss those
snakes come out your eyes and they smile rats in their mouths
they look more like me than I would like to agree
in fear I bite down on your tongue
the director on the screen yells cut and all the actors
stop and wait for a way to carry on
I get nervous and start to beat
the juvenile feelings out of myself, but I'm not the only one who
goes on feeling stupid things we've all
felt too often long ago and it's not
easy saying sorry
or making your tongue
make all those moves of honesty

but as the guitar strings howl
all the people know at once that the light at the end of the tunnel
aint as bright as the other
that shines directly in your face
everytime you step outside and when it goes down for the night
you'll find a moon with the same light

Submitted on 2007-04-08 23:02:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  this would be the second time today that im aggravated simply because this poem is excellent and its exactly the kind of thing i want to write but i get too caught up in writing other stuff that just doesnt come out right.. anyhow enough about me.. this was great. congrats on not sucking
| Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]
Alright....I liked this piece, it reminds me of when I'm being random and just ranting to no one outloud and everything makes sense in my mind and sometimes it rhymes, but as a whole, it's confusing.

So, this was confusing to me. I think one thing led to another with you, but that that string wasn't made with the readers. That's not to say that I didn't like...I actually enjoyed reading it a lot. I like random things that you described as not being linear. So I have to congratulate you, this is a different style that comes off as, yes, abstract in a very thought-provoking and has clear imagery in it [even if those images jump a lot]

The only suggestion I can make is to use puncuation because it is so jumpy.

it screechs to a halt and taps domino
people who come and fall all in a line while no one notices the

Like, is that domino people? or domino. People. It reminds me of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, which is why I said domino people. Anyway, that's really random. Overall, I liked this piece a lot, it's a great write. Kudos.

| Posted on 2007-04-09 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]

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