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    dots Submission Name: Ending Daysdots

    Author: EmpathicAya
    ASL Info:    13+8/unMale/Your Mind
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 700/456/109
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1150
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 872

       I have no idea. Like really, this was going to originally be about water pollution, and it's affect on the fish, but I really don't know now. I feel like I personified Mother Ocean a bit here. What?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnding Daysdots

    I had a psychic rememberance of when
    the pitch of my voice went
           p and d
          u            o
       p                 w
      u                        n
    down. They scurried down,
    skimming remnants of realities long
    since abandoned, now harboring
    dreams of flying.

    Oh that I could sing to them
    again, and bring to them
    again drunken fantasies to replace realities
    lost counting on me.

    But alas,
    I have changed.

    Submitted on 2007-04-10 14:06:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well, it's good that you care enough about the environment to write a poem about it. It seems quite ethereal/blissful.

    I suppose it would help us all to imagine the world in it's prior unpolluted state. Such a different place & truly a whole new world.

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2007-04-14 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]

    Creativity is a specialty of mine. LOL. I especially enjoyed the fluctuation method you use to impose a feeling or changes in life. As a young person, we undergo many changes in all aspects and you have illustrated this perfectly.

    I give kudos (100x) for creativity. The flow of the poem is pleasant and it seems as if you are the narrator speaking to your listener...you beckon them with your gypsy voice.


    Love CaramelCandy
    | Posted on 2007-04-11 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      I want to point this out, because it's something that we all do without even noticing most often.

    It's really quite simple, too, but, you know...words like "of" "and" "the" "if" (you know the generic weaker words, of which the English language possesses many) are usually not the best idea to end a line with, unless there is a reason behind it.

    Such as the line break not working any other way, or if that word needs attention drawn to it (for example, in a callous piece - or if showing disinterest - pronouns are amazingly efficient at that).

    Not that the "of" I mention in this piece is wrong, that's not particularly the reader's call - unless it's glaring - but more along the lines of something I point out for you.

    You have done a good job here on the formatting and the ending, though I wonder, perhaps, if some of the word choices and earlier bits don't need a bit of attention?

    Such as "psychic remembrance", is "psychic" really the best word for that statement? Also, what of the repetition of the word "realities", is it important enough (or strong enough) to be so repeated?

    I point all of these things out to help you most in revision, for that is the harder part of poetry.

    Keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      Very original write, and I enjoyed the fomat. Not your best work content wise, but still lovely and fun to read. Good work as always, dear!

    Cheers and God bless,

    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      It has a sort of peaceful, almost random flow. I like it a lot. ^.^ There were some places I thought maybe you could have used some different words though... just kinda bugged me a little bit.

    "Oh that I could sing to them
    again, and bring to them
    again drunken fantasies to replace realities"

    I'm sorry, but dropping "again" down to the next line kind of seems to screw up the next few lines a little. Also, the word "realities" feels out of place here. It fits perfectly in the previous stanza, but not here.

    "when the pitches of my voice went"

    Is "pitches" really supposed to be plural?
    I have no idea...
    Also, the word "went" doesn't feel quite right here...I can't put my finger on it, but when I read this line it just doesn't feel right.

    I love your last two lines. They're perfect. Like, you used to have hopes and dreams, but something happened and you do no longer. It mattered before you changed, but does no longer.

    From this poem, I got nothing about water pollution. At all. I'm sorry, but I just can't figure that into the poem.

    Lol, I hope this helps you a little...Just my opinion. ^.^

    ~ Jazzy
    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]
      ooh, i love your language here, it's so ethereal.

    very, very interesting :)
    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]

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