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    dots Submission Name: hearts at riskdots

    Author: EmilyAnne
    ASL Info:    18/f/tx
    Elite Ratio:    3.08 - 65/73/20
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1007
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 660

       Try and figure this one out

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshearts at riskdots

    he kisses her lips
    She stabs his heart
    He touches her neck
    She closes his eyes
    He slowly undresses her
    She hastily washes the blood off her hands
    He lays her down
    She covers her mouth
    He makes her moan
    She lets the tears come
    He whispers "I love you"
    she becomes utterly confused
    He knows she fallen
    She refused to be used
    He leaves with out a word
    Shes sees it all clearly now
    He adds another name to the list
    She buries him deep
    He knows she always want just one more kiss
    She whispers "i never loved you"

    Submitted on 2004-06-11 22:08:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I'm sorry I don't think I thanked you for explaining. I guess I'm a little naive, but I was just thinking that she was using him. I do get a disjointed feeling from the sequence, but when someone is in a homicidal mindset, time sequences could probably be out of order, so I think it's good.
    | Posted on 2004-06-15 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm...Um.. this is good. You need to clarify the exact timeline that these incidents take place. I have to admit that the first stanza really confused me. I honestly thought that you had the chick kill the dude, but as I read on, I began to understand...
    Needs a little work but it was alright..AND YOU DIDN'T RYMe .

    | Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by Semper Fidelis | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice work. Your spelling could use some improvement It kept me interested, and I think he used her for sex, and then she "killed" him, or at least buried him in the past. I like the mystery of it, it had me read it twice so I could figure out my thoughts on it. Tell me if I'm write, okay? You better! Thanks for the poem.
    | Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by Lil Nick | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, I don't know whatz going on here, but I am quite interested, because this is quite interesting. This is a cool piece. You have a few spelling mistakes. But I really can't suggest any changes. The end is pretty good. Very nice work. I'd like to know what the mystery is, but I'll understand if you don't want to spill the beans.
    | Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]

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