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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fight to Fly Awaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: charmedidentity
    ASL Info:    20/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 796/766/300
    Words: 230
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 242
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1456



    Description:
       You fight with people, you fight with nature but most importantly you fight with yourself


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFight to Fly Awaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    This shadow mocks you in the face
    Threatens to take your integrity
    While you watch like a hopeless bird,
    You struggle with the strength to fly away.

    “Fly away wherever the wind might take you”,
    Such an easy phrase can be accomplished.
    They forget the challenges they encountered,
    It’s their secret locked up in the darkness.

    There you walk near horrendous branches
    Thinking that their hands might catch you;
    You create eyes and wrinkles on the tree barks,
    Believing nature has plans against you.

    The tears in your eyes are tears from the clouds
    As you shelter your nakedness from nature,
    You wonder what the purpose of this journey is,
    Yet no one gives you pleasure to such answer.

    Easy it would be to run home and be rescued,
    The shame is great though to be viewed as a failure.
    There is that smile, that lie you share with others
    As you fight with the whole process of freedom.

    Yet overtime, walking is no longer a fear
    Distinguishing a path of comfort is found
    Where the darkness and the light will meet
    And choosing the road is all up to you.

    This shadow of doubt has mocked you once
    By trying to weaken the life you hold dear
    But you will refuse to watch hopelessly
    And fight with all strength to fly away.




    Submitted on 2007-04-12 12:28:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Light, shadow, forest . I'll tell you what tripped me up whilst reading it: You started off as a bird, but cut to walking through the trees ... I couldn't help it, the bird became a cassowary. Probably not what you intended? It would have trouble flying away, which is its task later in the poem. I don't know if that would bother anybody but me, though. The language of metaphor doesn't really need any logic, it doesn't work like that! But linking tropes for a poetic sentence is the hardest part to think about, all the same!!

    I want to say something about the lines themselves. I loved reading this plain-talk writing in these nicely divided lines and stanzas. Then I wondered whether I would have included more ornamentation: the various kinds of sonance. Analyzing one of the stanzas, I eventually guessed that you didn't worry about sonance when composing..... even though your mother language gives you a deep feeling for it anyway! Therefore I think you might be delighted with the results, if you were to deliberately find artificial patterns of same-sound syllables or repeating single letters- not only a pattern for the line, but a pattern for the whole stanza and maybe a recurring sound that suits the whole poem's theme. This is subtle, and nobody has written much about it in prose, because you could write a whole book analyzing one little poem! Nobody would read the book, plenty of people would read the poem! It's harder than rhyme or lyric meter, but so much fun. You work with serendipity and just catch and enhance the good bits: I think whatever your native language is, it gives you a high ability to do this.
    | Posted on 2008-03-03 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm...I like the idea portrayed in this piece, something I have thought about way too often. On a personal note my only fear is myself rather then anything else, like I am afraid of the dark and heights and that sorta stuff but myself is the strongest one. I am afraid of what i am capable of, what I coud do, what I cant do, and everything like that. If that makes sense...

    Anyway on the piece in general...overall its a bit rocky. Some parts dont exactly flow as well as they could, and as its a piece about flying I think it should portray flying smoothly. I really believe that form adds a lot to the piece, if you could find a way to make it smoother, for example

    “Fly away wherever the wind might take you”,
    Such an easy phrase to be accomplished.
    They forget the challenges encountered,
    The secret locked up in darkness.

    See? I just took out a few words and the reader still understands but its simpler, and it flows a bit better. Its just a suggestion. Otherwise, I really like this piece.

    Keep it up,
    ~flora~
    | Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]



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