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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: sardonicism of a retired inamoratadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 789
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1496



    Description:
       this is ourselves, under pressure.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssardonicism of a retired inamoratadots
    -------------------------------------------


    this may come as shock,
    as something you find
    laying dead on the floor,
    completely unexpected.

    decaying deer carcasses
    lounging in the ditch,
    can't help but to
    stare.

    its fine that
    you took my arms.
    i did not need them,
    think of them as a gift.


    go look at the clock.
    time for you to depart.

    its alright that you keep leaving.
    maybe some day you'll come back.

    and when i find the time,
    to shelter you from the hate
    i will look into your eyes,
    before i set the mob upon
    your steel shell.
    you know, your body.

    when i gaze into the confusion,
    my mouth speaks the lies,
    but you know better
    than to believe me.

    you know where the truth lies.
    same spot yours, my eyes.

    my tongue will speak harsh words
    deliver the bitter lover's speech.
    when i hug onto your carcass
    my grip will evolve
    to a tight clench.

    you will think that i am
    keeping you from running
    but to me,
    its the last time i'll touch you.


    you need to face your griefs
    and all the evil you have
    let come
    into this world.

    this price that you will pay
    doesn't only hurt you.

    its killing me.




    Submitted on 2007-04-12 21:52:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this peice is utterly and undeniably eloquent and it speaks so softly but eternally to everyone who has ever felt that, lived that....

    i dont usually care for free verse very much, but this poem just reached out and grabbed me, grabbed my soul....

    the flow, the emotion, the pattern is so smooth and lyrical almost, but without being singsong...

    there are a couple of lines that are too short to keep up the rythm, but they dont entirely take away from the peice, they just sort of cut short the lines they are in...its not something i would worry about though....

    i think my favorite part had to have been this couplet:
    "you know where the truth lies.
    same spot yours, my eyes."

    it is just so honest, but almost bitter as well....but i absolutely love it...

    the only part that i am not exactly sure of is this stanza:
    "decaying deer carcasses
    lounging in the ditch,
    can't help but to
    stare."
    it doesnt so much feel wrong, but it took me a couple of minutes and reading the rest of the peice before i actually understood, even halfway, why it was there, in the critical opening of this....

    however, the overall statement was beautiful, the pattern and flow eloquent, and i truely enjoyed reading this...thank you for sharing it...
    i believe it is going on my favorites list...

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-04-13 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


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