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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Harlequindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jimi James
    ASL Info:    24/m/somehwere
    Elite Ratio:    6.16 - 90/78/41
    Words: 333
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1679



    Description:
       ... no i'm still stuck being someone. think its easy to get the sense, i once was better, but, as i said i'm losing everything, for example skills.
    Friedrichstraße is the biggest street in berlin.
    Just for those who dont know.
    I want some tea.
    It's polite to say 'Thank you' at least...everyone said.
    Or was it simon?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHarlequindots
    -------------------------------------------


    I took a walk. As usual I'm alone. I've walked every bridge and street in this city. I've walked them hundreds of times. Walked them for hours some days a week.
    Minutes dont count and i dont want them to do so. I've lost my sense for peace. I've lost everything I ever cared for. I'm constantly losing something.
    Someday you get used to losing, losing and you become friends. i never asked losing why it makes me forfeit everything, because losing is spleenish.
    As i took a walk down Friedrichstraße, i surprisingly found myself in front of self-esteem. She's pretty and i adored her.
    But i was too shy to speak to her.
    No one saves me, i realized as i set a foot into a bookstore. People walking to and fro besides me and i wondered if they'd notice me stabbing myself or falling off the roof.
    If you dont know anyone no one wants to know you.
    And so he did. Came over to me, and greeted me, though i never liked him and i told him that. He's fake, he pretends; he knows everyone, he's equal with everyone and I'm not.

    So I became a harlequin.
    A beloved, funny, masked, dancing and playing harlequin.
    I'm in love with self-esteem and I'm no longer friends with losing or no one.
    My life's finally fun and a lot of people love me.
    Losing went away and took thinking with him but nevermind, I'm now more equal to everyone than i ever was and it's great.
    But there was someone to whom everyone is equal, i just forgot his name.





    Submitted on 2007-04-14 17:29:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      lol...somehow i dont agree with someones epiphany on this one
    sorry jaydee~
    but i like it as it is but maybe its because i am reading the touched up version

    i really like the idea and the unique way you put it forward
    ^-^
    | Posted on 2009-02-10 00:00:00 | by rubymoon | [ Reply to This ]
      hey.
    i like what you are getting at with this piece.
    i like the idea of being friends with losing.
    i like the idea of becoming a harlequin and not being friends with losing and losing taking thinking with it.
    i like that fact that in this piece you are walking down Friedrichstraße... ive been there... ive walked along there... i miss my european adventures just now... its nice to be in a piece where i can rewalk along there

    because you said unspecified comments i could be over stepping the mark here but i wanna point out some of the SMALLEST nitpicks the world has seen to make this piece all it could be... i hope you find something in this comment that is helpful and dont think me to be condescending or rude.


    i think though that you need to be thnking about your tenses more while writing this piece.
    it hops all over the place. i dont know whethere thats because english is not naturally your first language or whether you just didnt notice.

    I took a walk. - this is past tense. it indicates something you have already done. perhaps take would work better here...? as a lot of the rest of the piece is in the present tense...

    As usual I'm all alone. - this is present tense. it indicates that right at this second you are alone.I am all alone. (personally i would take out "all" because it doesnt seem to add to this sentence. alone is alone.)

    I've walked every bridge and every street in this city. - this is a good sentence though i think i would take out the second "every" because two so close together kinda lessens the power of the word. I've walked every bridge and street in this city makes it sound like its a list you are creating and it makes it sound longer and more to me somehow.

    I've walked them hundreds of times. Walked them for hours some days a week. - i like the repetition of walked. i know that when i was in europe i walked streets for hours... it could have been coz i was lost or maybe i was looking to find the "real" life part of the city... you know... away from all the tourist crap... i spent 3 hours trying to find Hitlers Bunker only to be informed i was standing above it and that it was a carpark now . i walked those streets a whole lot but it was an easy thing to do... time seemed to absorb my every step and every time i walked down those streets i saw somethng new.
    Walked them for hours some days a week. - i think you need to clear this line here up a lil though. it feels kinda awkward. to me you are saying that you would walk hours some days... and more than one day a week... right?
    perhaps Walked them for hours daily for weeks on end...? it seems to clear up the sentence for me while staying true to the ideas presented in it.

    Minutes dont count and i dont want them to do so. I've lost my sence for peace and I've lost everything I ever cared for. I'm constantly losing something. - i think this is an effective way to change ideas and bring in the concept of losing. minutes dont count because peace is lost along with everything you cared about.
    again i would think about dropping the repeatition of i've lost unless you make them both seperate sentences...
    I've lost my sense of peace and of everything i ever cared for.
    ive lost my sense of peace. ive lost everything i ever cared for. im constantly losing something.
    i think i am more partial to making them seperate sentences myself. it seems more... desperate.


    Someday you get used to losing, losing and you become friends. i never asked losing why it makes me forfeit everything, because losing is spleenish. - here i would think about losing the back-to-back losing and simply saying
    someday you just get so used to losing you become friends.
    the back-to-back losing trips the reader up some and kinda jars the flow of the piece too.
    the idea reminds me of the part in Forrest Gump where Jenny is throwing rocks at her old childhood home and Forrest says "sometimes i guess there just aint enough rocks" weird association i know but there you go lol.
    again... thinking about tense... youre prolly best to go with i never ASK losing why it makes me forfeit everything but i wanna question what it is you mean by losing being spleenish?
    now i am the queen of crazy word associations and so when i see spleenish i think of the threat my father issued when i was leaving for my big OE... he said "if any boy even LOOKS at you ill rip his eyes out and dig his spleen out with a spoon and feed it to him" (all i could say was "but daddy... i like boys with eyes lol) and so... im wondering what you are trying to say about losing being spleenish coz to me a spleen is something you can live without...

    Taking a walk down Friedrichstraße, i surprisingly found myself in front of self-esteem. She's pretty and i adored her.
    But i was too shy to speak to her. - tenses... taking could be seen as a present tense action if you were to start this piece off with i take a walk... therefore you wanna change found to find and adored to adore:
    taking a walk down Friedrichstraße, i surprisingly find myself in front of self-esteem. shes's pretty. i adore her.
    i like the idea of short sentences you seem to have running through this piece and that is what tempts me to suggest having pretty and adore as seperate ideas/sentences.
    i love that you find self-esteem where you least expect. i love that you are attracted to her. i love that you have personified her. i think its very natural to be too shy to speak to her... its always easy to think otherwise. to think the bad things... tense wise you would have to say something like 'but i am too shy to speak'
    i love that this idea indicates that you WANT to speak... its just the lacking ability that stops you...


    i think from here you get a lil lost in what you are trying say. i cannot quite follow you though i can see that you are trying to say something important. i can work out that before you finally get the guts to speak to self-esteem you become friends with no one (maybe some punctuation in there will help clarify that idea a lil...?) and that you eventually become friends with self-esteem though i am not sure the way you paint it (self-esteem without thinking) is a very healthy veiw of it...? you can be a harlequin and still think and feel... promise.

    so i challenge you to come back to this piece and rewrite it. especially the second half. i encourage you to try and keep with the short choppy sentences you started this piece with. they bring a lot to this piece and i think in keeping with them and being more aware of them that will help you to finish this piece in a good way.

    good luck
    | Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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