the denigration of surrender by Someones Epiphany

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: the denigration of surrender dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Someones Epiphany
Elite Ratio:	8 - 4198/1955/140
Words:	103

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	467
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1063

Description:
im not sure about the formatting.
i completely made it up as i went along because i kinda want it to be choppy and all over the place... thats how i am right now...

the denigration of surrender dots

-------------------------------------------

i dont want to be
     the cage
you seem to think i am
i was only looking
    to establish boundaries,
        not bars
yet you treat me
as though it was you
i have denigrated
     rather than myself

i could soar if i wanted

a revolution
     hallucinated
          from somewhere
while life grows men
    and the sorrows of women

i dont want to be the cage
you seem to think
     i am
     i was
only looking to establish boundaries

yet all i see are white flags

Submitted on 2007-04-16 07:01:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Excellent work. I love the imagery this created. You are indeed the definition of an actual "poet."
| Posted on 2007-12-06 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the formatting is just right...
the thoughts and feelings you convey are related, but not linear like a conversation, but more jumping from here to there like a stream of conciousness. Jumpy format for jumpy thoughts.

I am wondering about who surrendered, though.
Were the white flags waved at you, or by you?
And if you are a cage,
who was in the cage?

Surrender is certainly denigrating.
And though I've never forced anyone to surrender to me, I somehow believe that doing that is denigrating as well. I know I wouldnt be proud of forcing someone to my will...I'd rather have someone follow me willingly than be chained and dragged by my grip.
So, I know how it is to be the cage for myself, and wouldnt lock another in a cage of my own construction. I know how bad it sucks.

The best thing I've found about life is that cages we make for ourselves are not escape-proof. Difficult to crack, yes. But, not impossible to soar out of.

I enjoyed your words, and the thoughts they made me think.

| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice format... because it completely balances the theme itself... a theme of wrong assumptions where boundaries are mistaken for a cage.... original execution of an original idea.

I find this line profoundly meaningful:

"i could soar if i wanted"

It has multiplicity of connotations: Perhaps, one can say, I have given away my freedom to be with you , I could escape... but you have summed up so many ideas in this magical one line.

I am not sure but i think that boundaries and white flags are pehaps associated... white flags come after the war and then... boundaries find themselves shifted.

Very well done, a favourite,
-parul.
| Posted on 2007-07-23 00:00:00 | by Parul garg | [ Reply to This ]
  I haven't been here for a while and I've only just noticed this new style of yours. It seems a little inspired by mine and Nancy's earlier experiments? Just curious.

| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
  what you say in your description, "i completely made it up as i went along because i kinda want it to be choppy and all over the place... thats how i am right now..." is what i feel like sometimes too.

nice word choice with denigration.

this cage metaphor is interesting, as you say you are the cage itself, rather than in a cage, as is more typical. someone seems to be groundlessly offended, someone who is hurt because it seems as if you are pushing him/her away while you are merely trying to have your own space.

"i have denigrated
rather than myself"
rather than yourself? a subtle reference to your self-criticism, yet contradicted by your conviction in the immediate next line,

"i could soar if i wanted"
this strikes me as a powerful line, perhaps the most powerful in this piece. having it off by itself adds to the effect, too.

"a revolution
hallucinated"
is a great turn of phrase.

"while life grows men
and the sorrows of women"
this makes me think. as life goes on, boys are made into men, hailed as strong and mature, while girls must bear more tragedy and go through suffering? hmm, maybe a subtle remark on patriarchal society.

i don't think you need to repeat "i dont want to be the cage" at the end - the intro is strong enough on its own, though it doesn't detract that much from the poem.

"yet all i see are white flags"
is a nice ending, though a little unclear, although you might have intended it that way. surrender of the other person, who retreats to console him/herself and deal with his/her 'injuries'? a final withdrawal and stop of the invasion of your boundaries because of perceived hostility, while you only want understanding? as suggested by your title, you scorn this and criticize the other person's inability to see how you see it and unwillingness to try, giving up instead.

anyway, i like it.
| Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]
  "I could soar if I wanted"

That was a really powerful line to me. While you may not ave intended it this way, it spoke to me in a lot of ways of certain women who are trapped in bad marriages, and come to rely on their husbands for everything because they are so controlling in the relationship, and really forget how to fly on their own. They could soar if they wanted, but they've kept their wings down for so long they're afraid to.

Anyway, really great piece. I love it :)

Cheers and God bless,

~Mandi~
| Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
  Women, it is in their nature to seek security. Most men cannot understand this.
This poem works fine without any special format.
| Posted on 2007-05-13 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay,theres no way i can compete with your feedback,so this may sound cliché,wrong etc,but Ill do my best.Formatting is fine,you say you'd like it to seem a little choppy and it does,but not in a "wrong" sense so I like that,seems quite raw.

As for my interpretation,I thought this was about someone who comes across as boring,cranky,not out-going,generally in a dull mood.But they've chosen to be like this,they've wanted to establish boundaries as you say,and instead found themselves trapped in both the way they feel and other peoples perceptions of them.Also,in their so-called,surrender to this bad humor,it seems that other people are insulted,and would call the person ignorant etc.Others feel it is their fault rather than the person themselves.

I have not read the other comments this received because I don't want to be influenced in my analysis so this may have been said already,or else it may be completely wrong.But this was how i took it as I read it.Often when I'm not in the mood of talking,people don't understand and get really insulted,just like in this piece.

What was most impressive to me was how well this piece describes that occurrence.It does it in an such an abstract way that no one could refer to it a as emo,or done before,and I'm sure it has been done before,but not in this way.So for me this is the definitive "leave me alone I'm in a terrible mood,but its not your fault" poem.

As far as criticism goes id be nit-picking to say anything needs to be changed,its already very polished,even for a piece thats meant to sound choppy.

Once again thanks for the feedback on my poem,should i make changes to it soon your comment will really help.

So yup,see ya round:-)

-Craig

| Posted on 2007-04-30 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
  while life grows men
and the sorrows of women

This line makes me stop with the beautifully disjointed flow of your piece and go "hmm." Did you just state what I think you just stated, or did I miss something? The more I read it over, the more I think I just don't get it.

White flags, the formatting of your words is haunting...like a ghost...then comes hallucination. And now when I read over your poem again, the space between words I get this ominiscent feeling...you're stuck in a cage, you die in that cage...you speak but are never heard, blamed and denigrated because you're a woman...wanting control in a "man's" world? But it's not even control you want...just an equal share.
| Posted on 2007-04-29 00:00:00 | by Agent V. | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this is kind of everywhere. But I like everywhere. I like being somewhere and not knowing exactly how I got there. If you look at the right angles, you can see the little spider web contrails connecting everything, and then you can see all the different ways you might have got there, instead of just the one way you really did.

My body is a cage ... you use it well

Your poetry is so confessional, and yet it has these wonderful little metaphors and a sort of universal application that makes it more than that.

You've got boundaries and cages and the gray area in between people and relativity.

And I love the double meaning with "the cage you think/I am/I was/Only looking to establish boundaries"

The middle section is really where you're all over the place- the other sections are like bookends. I like bookends, but some people don't. Time it was and what a time it was it was... you know.

And the denigration (i had to look that up... so sad, I should know that) really does serve its purpose, you know. That one little word, the effect of the unclear boundary/cage dispute becomes the big thing, you know, after it's all said and done (and well).

And all the little white flags... I see fields and fields of them...

| Posted on 2007-04-22 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  i dont want to be
     the cage
you seem to think i am
i was only looking
    to establish boundaries,
        not bars
yet you treat me
as though it was you
i have denigrated
     rather than myself

i could soar if i wanted

Ok, if it's true you could soar, then why not do so? I can only judge this piece by what you've written, so I'm under the impression you've reigned yourself in to appease someone and its done you no good whatsoever. I have to agree with at one other comment, you could close this write at this line and still get the point across.

Nicely done in any case
Bill

| Posted on 2007-04-18 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  to establish boundaries,

this is the only piece of punctuation in the whole poem and consequently it seems all alone and sad and i think you should set it free so it can fly off to punctuation paradise. it seems the kindest thing to do.

i like how this poem pulls me in two directions; between hope and despair, between resistance and surrender. and though it ends on a negative note there's still that spirit there that gives the impression that things will get better, that once the conflict is over you will soar. the boundaries just a necessary breathing space.

you really do write with an admirable honesty.

| Posted on 2007-04-18 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  I can't believe that nobody has pointed out "while life grows men and the sorrows of women" yet.

It's there but it isn't overt, and again I think you're saying far more than you let on.

Boundaries is such a loose term, though, because we often paint them with graphite rather than something sturdier. Also, they are rarely well received...

"white flags"...I don't think it's surrender so much as peace. The speaker in this piece doesn't want tranquility though...just privacy. So the white flags are not a good thing at all, then.

I'm not really sure about the repetition of "cage"...I would more likely drop the instance of it in the beginning and just have it for the end.

But you know me, always uppercutting the reader.

| Posted on 2007-04-17 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
  well, i feel abit awkward in 'criticizing' or methodically 'critiquing' (which to me is the same thing) this peice..

'the cage' seems to be a strong metaphor. It bears a jarring emotional connotation, that of being trapped, confined, deceived.

that's what i feel from this peice anyway.

umm, the only nitpick i have is in the last line: changing the "is" to an "are". that's 'bout it!

love,

sarah
| Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
  I think your second strophe is the strongest. Also, I like your singular lines, especially "i could soar if i wanted"...

To be picky, you have ten instances of "i" in a twenty-two line poem. Think you could chop this down a bit? It seems a bit too many to me, but hey.

I'm not sure if bookending this poem with your cage motif has as much power as your intro. I also think your intro could be played with a bit--perhaps it's all those "i's" bogging this down... I have no idea.

As for interpretation? Seems pretty self-explanatory to me. Why white flags though? Is it you or this other person surrendering? Seems like them that is, although I'm not sure why that would be. Perhaps... they're backing off, licking their wounds etc? Your mindset regarding personal freedom seems to be rather brittle at the moment...

I could say more, but I'll leave other commenters their two cents...

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this but It seems to have all the force it needs in that opening stanza. I suggest it would be stronger if you ended it on 'i could soar if i wanted.'

sorry to hear you're feeling 'choppy and all over the place...' take care
nessie

| Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

140597

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]