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their faces Ashen
yet with such strong Passion, they
Fasten to your throat
Cold Ashen Faces
Fasten severely to throats
with such strong Passion.
| "Jenn says hi" (jenn?)|
I love Haikus, and I love vampires so this Haiku is pretty made for me. You and I write Haikus in a similar way as technically not only does a Haiku have to be 5-7-5 but also have a "season word" that talks about nature and tells what season the Haiku is written about. Like your Haikus, my Haikus often do not have this seasonal word nor a nature theme. This is cool because it really opens up the possibilities. Draft 2 is a lot better than draft 1. Draft 1's second line ending with " ,they " is thrown in at the end of the line because there's no room, but it ruins the flow of the Haiku. I'm no sure why Ashen Faces and Passion are all capitalized, but besides that, I love the second draft and I would encourange you to write more Haikus as you'll only get better. Nice job, sorry for the rambling comment.
|| Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by Mykquillion | [ Reply to This ] || okk dont feel bad it was good||| Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ] || what was that |
it is better a riddle than apoem
|| Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ] || i think your second one flows better... maybe cos your first one ends on "they" in your second line, which kinda threw me off as it's the middle of a sentence... |
yeah, this was pretty funny... never seen a haiku/sen-ryu on vampires before ;)
|| Posted on 2007-04-17 00:00:00 | by zen-dog | [ Reply to This ] || The idea is great but you seem to have wasted a few words that could make the image even stronger. The haiku says a lot in a minimum of words. For example the opening 'their' is unneccesary the faces tells you that there is more than one and you use 'they' later. Whereas, Ashen faces .... and whatever you can think of here. Also, 'with such strong Passion' would make a wonderful last line and is five syllables. |
Have fun with it.
|| Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ] |