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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: destructively beautifuldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kay
    ASL Info:    15/f/
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 216/197/68
    Words: 170
    Class/Type: Misc/Betrayal
    Total Views: 1106
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1020



    Description:
       what do you think?

    is it ok?


    how can i make it better?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdestructively beautifuldots
    -------------------------------------------


    These eyes that I hide behind. These lips that kiss the lies. This face, a mask of a life; that will dematerialize.

    All that will ever go on. Never between you and me. Different meanings in each stanza; in this song. You exist, may you please recede.

    These hands still feel your skin. These fingers still trace the outline of your lips. and my body still remembers this beautiful bliss. and this; this here.. is what my mind remembers.

    But I'll disguise; After all the truth is nothing now. Aspect of us, once was. Love converted into Lust. should I say; my fault?

    am I the mistake? am I the one that caused my own pain? for i knew this would become a catastrophe. Still I proceeded to act childish; so this shall be the cessation?

    the fiendish of what started out as a 'sweet smile' and a 'hug'. With in-betweens of 'kisses' & 'trust'. Ended so destructively beautiful






    Submitted on 2007-04-16 22:48:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ahhh yes.
    ive had one of these.
    or atleast something very similar.

    i went to a wedding and got hideously drunk (rarely a look i go for) and ended up with one of the groomsmen attached to my lips for the night. i found my own bed that night telling him that it was only the alcohol that thought i was cute and he wouldnt know who i was in the morning. (though due to the fact that i wrote my name and number on his hand before we parted it gave him a lil prompt as to who i was when he woke up lol)
    anyways... he came to see me a coupla times (we lived about 3 hours apart) and our lil "thing" lasted just over a month with me believing all his pretty lil lines about how gorgeous and great i was and blahblahblah (lines i usually refuse to buy) and then he did the whole "lets be friends" thing which hurt a lil but whatever... THEN he txt me a month later to tell me he was engaged!!! YIKES!

    the whole thing was VERY destructive and a lil beautiful but not together i dont think...


    i think you have to be careful when you write of such things because what happens is when everyone else has written about the same thing (coz it happens to many over the years i guess) there is a tendency for the idea to become warn out. and so we need to work on finding NEW ways of saying used ideas. and thats kinda hard. im not quite sure you have managed that here. but it is a very hard thing to do because, as i said, a lot of ppl have tried to voice their hurt in such situations over many a yesterday.

    i think you need to be careful of repeating the same ideas throughout the piece. also the same words...
    its important that you dont sound like you are repeating yourself the whole way through but rather with each new stanza/paragraph you make sure the reader learns another thing about why this was all so beautiful and destructive.

    also think about shaving off or cutting out a few of your words. this will help with making your piece sound less repetitious too.


    These eyes [that I] hide [behind.] These lips [that] kiss [the] lies. This face, a mask [of a life; that will]- dematerialize.

    these eyes hide
    these lips kiss lies
    this face, a mask- dematerialize.

    you can see that in taking out the extra words your idea is more compact and crystalised (which may or may not be what you are looking for) and it also gives it a different sound that deviates from the "ive heard this all before" sound...


    [All that will ever go on.] Never [between] you [and] me. Different meanings in each stanza; in this song. You exist, may you please recede.

    im not sure sure what you are trying to achieve or even mean by this stanza but im gonna give it a crack... im just playing and experimenting here and you dont have to do anything with these ideas at all... im just trying to present a different way of being is all...

    never you
    never me
    in stanza and song
    you exist
    in different meanings



    These hands [stil]l feel [your skin.] These fingers [still] trace [the outline of your] lips. [and my] body [still remembers this beautiful bliss.] and this; this here.. [is what my mind ]remembers.


    these hands feel,
    fingers trace
    lips
    bodies
    and this;
    this here
    i remember...


    But I'll disguise; After all the truth is nothing now. Aspect of us, once was. Love converted into Lust. should I say; my fault?

    okay so my ideas are turning your piece VERY minimalist... again... you can ignore me lol.

    disguising now
    truth
    lust converting love
    to nothing

    am I the mistake? am I the one that caused my own pain? for i knew this would become a catastrophe. Still I proceeded to act childish; so this shall be the cessation?


    the catastrope of a lack of pre mistake cessation

    the fiendish of what started out as a 'sweet smile' and a 'hug'. With in-betweens of 'kisses' & 'trust'. Ended so destructively beautiful

    starts and in-betweens
    end destructively beautiful



    {lemme just put that all together so we can see if it works...}


    these eyes hide
    these lips kiss lies
    this face, a mask- dematerialize.

    never you
    never me
    in stanza and song
    you exist
    in different meanings

    these hands feel,
    fingers trace
    lips
    bodies
    and this;
    this here
    i remember...

    disguising truth now
    lust converts love
    to nothing

    the catastrope of a lack of pre-mistake cessation

    starts and in-betweens
    end destructively beautiful

    i guess it kinda works.
    anyways... yeah...
    you have some wonderful images that you need to take and make into something more original and less "heard before"
    i reckon you can do it too

    good luck!
    | Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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