Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jealous Goddessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 861
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 445



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJealous Goddessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ethereal hair blessed with angel’s grace,
    Cascading off her shoulders lace after lace.
    Her perplex figure invading my dreams,
    Hair brushing over me like a rushing stream.
    Captured by her precious silken hand,
    Fingers filtering her goddess hair spreading full mass to strand.
    Aphrodite’s jealous of her shimmering mold,
    All the celestial admirers caught in the rapture that is her soul.




    Submitted on 2004-02-01 22:15:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this, but I think it should be "perlexing figure." Pallid, I'm not sure that really works for hair. It's normally used for wan or sallow skin, but since hair doesn't ordinarily fade if you get sick or whatever, it doesn't work for me. It also has negative connotations, and the rest of this is positive. I just don't think it works.
    | Posted on 2004-02-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Error in my previous post, I meant perplexing... invading, brushing... rushing rather.
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      Great write man. Love the imagery. You could change perplex to perplexing without adversely effecting your rhythm, and it might make it more symetrical having perplexing... rushing in one line followed immediately by brushing... rushing in the next. The piece stands by itself though, just a cosmetic suggestion.
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      hair brushing over me like a rushing stream - so lovely! agree with WorththeWait on pallid. Precious one.
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by hopefloats | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmm, nice. Very nice. Flows like water over the tongue. The last rhyme is a little iffy, when the others have been so clean, and that last line drags a bit. I automatically dropped "the" from "the celestial" when I read it, and even then is seems to drag, but beyond that this is a VERY nice poem. Oh, "pallid"? I know it means pale, but it has some rather negative connotations. Like it's so pale it looks sick or dead. You might try a more positive synonym. Good work! <><
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by WorththeWait | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    1408

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    This written by Chelebel
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bond written by saartha
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    To written by SavedDragon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Push written by JanePlane

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry