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    dots Submission Name: Jealous Goddessdots

    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 856
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 445


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    dotsJealous Goddessdots

    Ethereal hair blessed with angel’s grace,
    Cascading off her shoulders lace after lace.
    Her perplex figure invading my dreams,
    Hair brushing over me like a rushing stream.
    Captured by her precious silken hand,
    Fingers filtering her goddess hair spreading full mass to strand.
    Aphrodite’s jealous of her shimmering mold,
    All the celestial admirers caught in the rapture that is her soul.

    Submitted on 2004-02-01 22:15:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like this, but I think it should be "perlexing figure." Pallid, I'm not sure that really works for hair. It's normally used for wan or sallow skin, but since hair doesn't ordinarily fade if you get sick or whatever, it doesn't work for me. It also has negative connotations, and the rest of this is positive. I just don't think it works.
    | Posted on 2004-02-02 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Error in my previous post, I meant perplexing... invading, brushing... rushing rather.
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      Great write man. Love the imagery. You could change perplex to perplexing without adversely effecting your rhythm, and it might make it more symetrical having perplexing... rushing in one line followed immediately by brushing... rushing in the next. The piece stands by itself though, just a cosmetic suggestion.
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      hair brushing over me like a rushing stream - so lovely! agree with WorththeWait on pallid. Precious one.
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by hopefloats | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmm, nice. Very nice. Flows like water over the tongue. The last rhyme is a little iffy, when the others have been so clean, and that last line drags a bit. I automatically dropped "the" from "the celestial" when I read it, and even then is seems to drag, but beyond that this is a VERY nice poem. Oh, "pallid"? I know it means pale, but it has some rather negative connotations. Like it's so pale it looks sick or dead. You might try a more positive synonym. Good work! <><
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by WorththeWait | [ Reply to This ]

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