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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Little Evening Playdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 382
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1243



    Description:
       the title is a work in pro...also, this is about someone i thought i might like a while back and have recently decided against...so it makes me giggle at my childish weirdness to see me talk about 'how right we both are' when s/he was kinda a small mistake...anyhow, musicians have to play music that gets them off, its gotta be true, and the whole 'going to bed together' part wasn't even meant in a sexual way, but it kinda sounds that way...I'm not gettin rid of it though, its my Bowie-glam-erotica comin out again...oh well. its a little outdated like i said so deal with it. lots of love, Enjoi! ~april


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    dotsLittle Evening Playdots
    -------------------------------------------


    ~When I lay down and started writing this I saw that your face was clearer in my mind than everything and any one I'd ever wasted so much other time
    And I sat on dusty grasses by the pavement on your street
    And realized there wasn't anywhere we'd ever be able to meet...Again, so I lit a cigarette on the topaz rays of sun that were serenading oak trees and the leaves would burn the sky's tongue, and the battered girl I know myself to be just sat and smiled,
    Because you weren't near me but I knew you might be in a while...Lets go to a movie, break into churches or shoot pool, I could write you pretty poems and explain why I love breaking rules,
    And we could go to bed together in a blanket of wanton night, and pretend the world got better because we were both so right...And in the dreams that barely touch us in adark caress of fall, You'd play music that would make you hard and I wouldn't care at all...In fact that I keep waking up to make sure you're still there, and even if you weren't I'd just creep lonely down your stairs...To begin that walk towards somewhere the morning spirits lie, Make my hips like cushions in your fingers slippery sighs...~




    Submitted on 2004-06-12 13:43:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this... paints such a pretty picture. Definitely showing your romantic side in this piece! One part that kind of stuck out for me and didn't fit in so well was:
    "Lets go to a movie, break into churches or shoot pool, I could write you pretty poems and explain why I love breaking rules"

    You moved away from your flitty, pretty language and abstract thoughts, and it seemed to disrupt the piece. But then again, you're using good descriptions and giving some important info here... it really helps to describe the characters. Otherwise, this seemed to float. The word that pops into my head is "serene". I love the ending, a sort-of graceful way to talk about sex.

    I always have to give technical comments--- I would've worked harder on the punctuation and tried to add periods, semicolons, etc., instead of relying on commas for everything. But I reeally lurrrve the loose rhyming! You did a great job with that!

    All in all, this is a really good piece.
    | Posted on 2004-07-01 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      oi...certainly unique, and quite frank..i like it...i think it might benifit being put into poem form, as the second stanza already has a great rhythmic and rhyme pattern...if you choose to keep it the way it is, however, we are still the better for having it...
    "so I lit a cigarette on the topaz rays of sun that were serenading oak trees and the leaves would burn the sky's tongue," wow...topaz rays of sun, seranading oak trees...just excellent language...
    i love how you word things too
    "I'd just creep lonely down your stairs"
    that is a wickedly beautiful line...
    anywho, another great write...keep it up april..

    james

    p.s.
    playing music that gets us off is pretty much why all of us play music...
    | Posted on 2004-06-16 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      This was interesting... descriptive and different. I liked it, from what I understood of it. i would have enjoyed it if it were a little clearer. Maybe I'm just thick brained... but it was a good write anyways.
    | Posted on 2004-06-12 00:00:00 | by Cai | [ Reply to This ]



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