I hate myself wish am dead
To hell with me just like you said
Wish me luck to reach this hell
The doors opened and down I fell
Burning here and there
Tortured , see if I care
I love it here , believe me
No worries no care , can't you see
Am happy here , trust me
As happy as it can be
Everybody , Farewell
For am happier than you can tell
| great, the first line and the puntuation bugged me, but other than that it was great.||| Posted on 2007-12-31 00:00:00 | by Kat Tudor | [ Reply to This ] || i know the feeling. except for feeling happy. ||| Posted on 2007-12-31 00:00:00 | by kairi bloom | [ Reply to This ] || wow these are actually pitiful comments. i mean this is a short poem but honestly. okies lets see what i can do or um what i think i guess....|
The very first line strikes me, but it has a mistake
if you read it, it says
"I hate myself wish am dead."
that in itself doesnt make sence really.
"I hate myself, wish i were dead,
"I hate myself, I wish for dead:"
do you see what i mean? it can simply be over looked yes but you might want to make it make a bit of sence here.
i also notice you dont use punct. you might want to try that to keep a steady rhythm flowing. yes i know flow is a cliché in elite but it does have its perks every now and then.
The second stanza i think is quite clever and i like how you put it. it has no faulty breaks and you just glide through it like silk. since i really have nothing constructive to say to that part ill move on.
now "burning here and there" is a bit over used and a bit expected. it might be hard for you to find something that will make sence with your second line but that is a bit cliché also. some alternative parts may help also with more discription.
for example: "burning in agony, cries of despair."
maybe i dont know im not the poet in this case its just a sugestion though.
i like how the second line in that is a bit mocking, to the person he/she is addressing again quite clever in its own way.
Now as we move on i see a bit of strain. (do i sound prudish or is it just me ) it looks to me like you are trying to force the rhyme a bit (also i see pink dots because i had about 2 hours of sleep at most...so excuse me if what i see isnt accurate.) try to again experament with the imagry you are presenting to us. instead of "spoon feeding" us the details make us as your r eaders think.
"Am happy " is a bit off also. i dont see why people tend to do that
"I am happy here"
"See I'm happy here"
im not much for grammer and my spelling is [censored]ty but it also lends it a more mature look if you use the basic grammer guide thingy ^__^
and agian with your last stanza Line 12 you have it again. Instead of am place an I'm that might make a bit more sence.
Over all you have a great poem here and room to expand it. i love the brilliance of it and the simplicity is a bit more refreshing. the message is clear just work on the few sugestions if you wish and see what you come up with. for nothing is writen in stone, have fun expirament flex and stretch your words till the end result is simply beautiful.
all the love
|| Posted on 2007-05-21 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ] || awsome.dark.and totally awsome!!!hehe lol|
|| Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ] || hm... wow I really do like it. hm... that's all i've gotta say about it..||| Posted on 2007-04-26 00:00:00 | by babygirl09 | [ Reply to This ] || Wow nice...||| Posted on 2007-04-23 00:00:00 | by Druecilla | [ Reply to This ] || I liked it... and I miss you. What have you been up to? |
*~ Mist ~*
|| Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by PrincessDoom13 | [ Reply to This ] || Wow I like it. ||| Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ] || intersesting a new twist on anst well forevermore you are loved here.||| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ] || i like this piece, it was very good. anger stands out in this piece as well as telling the person to just leave you don't need them. good job Joanna||| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ] || i liked the first stanza alot. but some of the wording was a little bumpy to read...good job. |
|| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ] || hahahaha wow i like this, who told you to go to hell? im allways saying that i have a great space saved down there on the 7th level, a big mansion and everything. i hope that things are good for you, beacsue things are getting better for me i thinks and i am a strong beleiver in karma so good luck and dont go to hell without me ;)||| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by Mr.Ordinary | [ Reply to This ] |