Unwanted Consciense by Swimming Bird

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Submission Name: Unwanted Consciense dots

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Author:	Swimming Bird
ASL Info:	22/m/AR
Elite Ratio:	5.34 - 76/68/20
Words:	250

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	254
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1629

Description:
This is the darkest thing I've written, but doesn't hold a candle to how convoluted my mind really is.

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Unwanted Consciense dots

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In the cold, dark night
My heart feels like the sun
Not from the crashing thunder
But from the deeds I've done

It eats at me inside
The lives that I keep stealing
My mind, so sick and twisted
My hands, devoid of healing

I drug and rape the women
The men I burn alive
Sometimes I like to let them watch
And then cut out their eyes

Any children will be tortured slow
So screaming parents hear it
I force them, then, to fuck the corpse
To completely break their spirit

I stuff some body parts in boxes
Then send them to the cops
I feed the rest to my starving dogs
Wanting more, they lick their chops

My gloating sticks the knife in deeper
No one's sure who will be next
My choice is a policeman's daughter
Law and disorder intersects

There is no way that I will stop
There's nothing that can touch
Holding the heart as it beats its last
I like it way too much

I like to hear the screams of pain
See the moment of realization
That this is how their lives will end
In utter humiliation

Yet something makes me feel this guilt
For the lives I must atone
How could it be doing this?
I thought my consciense overthrown

I'm tortured by my acts
But that's the price I pay
I'd give the Devil anything
To make it go away

Submitted on 2007-04-19 12:56:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  :) Twisted poetry always makes me smile. it lets me know im not the only one who thinks strange thoughts.
This is very vivid and graphic. Not exactly my style but you pulled it off well. My favorite parts were the first and last paragraphs.
I chose to read this poem cuz the title is something i can relate to. it wasn't what I was expecting but I wasn't dissapointed.
| Posted on 2008-03-11 00:00:00 | by Jessica Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  Holy Schiznit!!!!! I decided to come back and read a little more after the first piece of yours I read and what a difference! I've read the good and the evil side of you and I have to say that even though this is quite disturbing, you've done a wonderful job. This piece is so dark and morbid and to me you capture pure insanity beautifully. Hopefully your mind isn't on a direct path to here, but I can respect this from a writer's standpoint. I'll have to read more of your work when I have time...keep it up!

Candi
| Posted on 2008-03-03 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Ummm...very...original...and...rather...disturbing.

The imagery is very, very realistic to the point where you actually wince, stanza's such as:
'I like to hear the screams of pain
See the moment of realization
That this is how their lives will end
In utter humiliation'
Very realistic and very psychological - for creeping people out to the high heavens and back, you've hit the right note!

For some reason stanza four didn't quite seem to scan, and I'm not quite sure why. Although grammatically you don't need the commas on line 3 of that stanza, it tends to make the stanza more confusing. Possibly:
All the children are tortured slow
For screaming parents to hear it
I force them then to [censored] the corpse
Which completely breaks their spirit
Seems to work more both grammatically and semantically although you can completely ignore me!

But other than that, very freaky, very scary, very dark...and if your mind is darker than that...please don't come knocking on my door.
| Posted on 2008-02-28 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
  Bloody heck, but that's a long poem. Seriously; I might not finish this comment before class starts.

Anyway, I believe this comment has been owed for 27 days so far. It's about time I gave you what you earned.

All right: overall, ridiculously intense and severely morbid. If your mind is worse than that, then I suggest possibly counseling or something. If you don't mind, I think I'll break my normal routine of going stanza by stanza to analyze; I don't want to get much closer to that imagery than I have to.

To be entirely honest, the only discrepancy I find is in the first stanza (at least that I can be sure of).

"In the cold, dark night
My heart feels like the sun
Not from the crashing thunder
But from the deeds I've done"

I just don't see where the simile of the sun comes from, especially considering that the first line is talking about the night. It sort of threw me off for a moment. Also, no apostrophe in "it's" in the fourth stanza. That should be it.

The ending strikes an interesting note with me. "I'd give the devil anything / to make it go away." It seems to me that this narrator is more lost than it seemed to begin with. It is one thing to think your conscience overthrown--it is quite another to think that acting for the epitome of evil himself will absolve you of it. That way only madness lies.

Overall, a very drastic write. That is the only word I have.

--crimson
| Posted on 2007-11-05 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow.
That was so messed up.
Yet that was so awesome. :)

You got alot of talent there.
It goes on and on with absolute craziness but it was written so well.
And the end was definetly a turn around.

Great write.
Very imaginative....I hope. ;)

| Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
  eep. How Morbid and demented! I love it! lol.

One thing "Noone's" should be "No one's" - but that is all I saw.

Really great disturbing write. I loke the flow, and the rhyming, and then how some parts are slightly off, because it really adds to what you're saying. Very well done. Oh, and the ending was perfect.

Cheers and God bless,

~Mandi Gayle~
| Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
  what an image-saturated poem, if your mind really is weirder than this then by god you need to write more and more like this as it's the best mental clear out ever. we all have a dark side, sometimes the realisation of this fact can hit us rather hard, me in particular, well done for highlighting that. some of the rhyming is genius, other aspects of the rhyme and meter need a little work to make it tighter, i suppose though, that having it a little irregular adds to the meaning of the poem for me...that feeling that something isn't right.......let me know if this comment is useful to you at all :)oh.....definitely talk to someone,

| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]

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