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    dots Submission Name: Deliverancedots

    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 822
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I know Iím not giving you the time you need,
    But when I close my eyes itís you I see.
    Just be my angel with your hand on my head,
    I listen intently to what youíve said.
    You tell me I have nothing to fear,
    Just your martyrdom voice is all I hear.
    No more false idols No more disillusionment,
    Youíre the one that gives me nourishment.
    Youíve furnished my heart with aspiration,
    No longer guilty by association.
    Youíve stopped the pendulum from swinging,
    Youíve brought to my world a whole new meaning.

    Submitted on 2004-02-01 22:16:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hey I liked this alot, the flow is great and the rhyme is very good ;) only the penultimate line i thought lost the rhythm abit but it may just be me reading it the wrong way...
    | Posted on 2004-02-02 00:00:00 | by ShadowHarlequin | [ Reply to This ]
      Same girl? Again, very nice, very smooth. And again, a slight hitch in the last rhyme. Yeah, I know they both end in "ing", but with 'ing words half- versus full- rhyme is highly dependant on the first syllable. It's not a big hitch, just a tiny one, and in this poem, it could work. Um, "martyrdom voice"? GREAT phrase, but are you sure that's the connotation you want there? It's awfully negative for a love poem, and quite a 180, esp. after the previous line. Good work again! Keep writing! <><
    | Posted on 2004-02-01 00:00:00 | by WorththeWait | [ Reply to This ]

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