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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dancing Partnersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LucyDiamond
    ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365/575/251
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 821
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1427



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDancing Partnersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Taking off your socks
    before your shoes have properly been removed
    is most likely not a very good idea.
    Not only is it not a good idea,
    but it is also a complete waste of time,
    because in the end,
    you will end up removing your shoes,
    anyways. I believe this is why some people
    avoid the sock question,
    and simply skip the sock part
    of the normal morning routine.
    Besides, it saves money
    and lots of time when laundry day comes around;
    socks always seem to lose their partners,
    and are hard to match up.

    Socks would make good dancing partners
    because at some point in time,
    they will most likely find themselves very lonely
    when their other half disappears.
    Maybe theyíve gone off
    to have an affair with a shoe,
    squeezing inside its life
    until the shoe decides that no,
    this is not working out.
    This stinks, and really, itís not you,
    itís me; I need breathing room.
    Some socks are distant and unsocial;
    they prefer to disappear completely,
    hiding behind washers and dryers,
    content to sulk in dust
    and the miserable company
    of other stray socks, for they are lonely, too.

    But I still think
    That some socks just want dancing partners.





    Submitted on 2007-04-20 21:19:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I too, found this very appealing, at least the second half of it. The first half was a bit (though not as bad as I've seen) wordy and a little hard to follow. I didn't get your point until the very last line of the first part, which would be okay, but it was kind of long and circuitous to get there.

    But the second half - ah, now THAT was enjoyable. There was a little bit of excess verbiage, and the poem would be improved with a bit of judicious cutting, but on the whole, it was great. I never thought of a sock going off to have an affair with a shoe, but it could happen. It certainly could.

    The places that I felt need some work were:

    *before your shoes have properly been removed
    is most likely not a very good idea.
    Not only is it not a good idea, *

    First - what is a properly removed shoe? Perhaps this should say 'completely removed'. Then, "is most likely" could easily be shortened to "is probably" and be less ambiguous or uncertain. And the last line there "Not only...etc." is only filler. Leave it out entirely.

    *but it is also a complete waste of time,
    because in the end,
    you will end up removing your shoes,
    anyways. I believe this is why some people
    avoid the sock question,
    and simply skip the sock part
    of the normal morning routine.
    Besides, it saves money *

    "anyways" should be "anyway". There should be a break between that and the next sentence. Is removing your socks and shoes part of your MORNING routine? I take mine off before I go to bed at night. And how does it save money? Why say that? What does it have to do with anything else in the poem?


    *socks always seem to lose their partners,
    and are hard to match up.*

    Socks always seem to lose their partners is a perfect ending line for this section of the poem and segues seamlessly into the second half. Besides which, socks are not "hard to match up", they are IMPOSSIBLE to match up once their partners are lost. That is an unnecessary line.

    *Socks would make good dancing partners
    because at some point in time,
    they will most likely find themselves very lonely
    when their other half disappears. *

    I think your assertion that socks would make good dancing partners needs a little more or a little better explanation than you've given. Just because they find themselves lonely isn't enough reason for them to be good dancing partners. Will they be eager to dance with someone new? Will they be attentive to you because they've been alone so long? Will they be so glad not to be thrown out that they give themselves over completely to the music? Why would they be good dancing partners?

    *Maybe theyíve gone off
    to have an affair with a shoe,
    squeezing inside its life *

    I would suggest leaving off "its life" here. You think of a sock squeezing inside a shoe and the added part just messes up the image but doesn't provide another one.

    *until the shoe decides that no,
    this is not working out.
    This stinks, and really, itís not you,
    itís me; I need breathing room. *

    This is great. Really, really great.

    *Some socks are distant and unsocial;
    they prefer to disappear completely,
    hiding behind washers and dryers,
    content to sulk in dust
    and the miserable company
    of other stray socks, for they are lonely, too. *

    I would suggest changing the first 'some' to 'other' here. It seems more final, like the last one in a series. You have one, then the other.
    And I think it should be ended at "of other stray socks." Again, you've given us an image and the last part kind of messes up that image without providing another one.

    Your last little part seems kind of argumentative. Did someone say that socks didn't want dancing partners? Could you change that to be affirming of your hypothesis of socks just wanting dancing partners without seeming to argue about it? It kind of takes away from the light tone/heavier meaning of the poem the way it is right now.

    Even as it sits, this is a delightful poem. I think it could be a really fantastic one, worthy of publication, if you spent some time on it. Nicely done.

    mae

    P.S. I just read that you only wanted 'thoughts'. I do hope you aren't offended by my review. m







    | Posted on 2007-04-21 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Love, love love it. Sincerely, I do. Very original and outside the box. And it's very thought provoking if one were so inclined to further explore it. I think what I like most is how this could very easily be comedic, but it's not. I think that takes a lot of talent.

    because in the end,
    you will end up removing your shoes,
    anyways. I believe this is why some people
    avoid the sock question,


    right there, I think there should be a break between the second and third lines, because it begins a new thought.


    and are hard to match up.

    I think that line needs some work, too. I can't quite pinpoint my issue with it, but it just doesn't sit right with me.

    But now I'm just kind of nit-picking and I really do love this.

    Awesome job.
    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-04-21 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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