[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Undercarriagedots

    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    25/M/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 175/197/89
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 788
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 547


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The river under the earth
    pours from a crevice in the rock
    and washes across the undercarriage
    of this vast pine tree land.
    With downpour in the spring and autumn
    it grows and toils to burden the world
    with another jagged eroded hole
    in her heart of stone
    that will fill with crystal
    when the hot red blood
    that flows through her
    flows through her
    and sends the river
    scattering particles
    into the sky
    through crevices in the rock.

    Submitted on 2007-04-21 14:31:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Its certainly interesting yes. I kind of feel like ripping it apart due the lack of grammar. xD But, hey, to each his own, right?
    I like the imagery, its extremely vivid.
    "that flows through her
    flows through her"
    I don't really like how repeated that. It didn't seem to quite fit. I dunno, ignore me I guess. I just don't like that part.
    Though I'm not entirely sure what you intended it to be about (I never quite know how things were meant to be interpreted), but this is what I got out of it:
    It feels almost like you're foretelling the end of the world, and what will happen at the end. Almost like we've destroyed the earth to a point, where it bleeds angrily, and destroys us as a way to get revenge.
    I'm sorry if this wasn't at all what you meant, but I tried. xDD

    Nice workzzzz

    | Posted on 2007-10-15 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Keeghan,

    This is a really interesting poem. I had to read it a couple times to get that it was about a volcano- but i AM kinda slow like that!

    Actually I like poems that take more than one read through. The picture changes each time you read, and shows layers of meaning and many possible interpretations. When I first readit, I immediately thought of the story in the Bible in which Moses struck the rock with his rod and water came out. And while I was in that Bible state of mind, I thought of Noah, when the water came up from deep below the surface to flood the earth. And finally I figured out that the river was nt a river! LOL

    Here's my favorite part:

    ... when the hot red blood
    that flows through her
    flows through her ...

    I also like how you brought "crevices" back around to complete the circle. Nice work!


    | Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Push written by JanePlane
    True Death written by layDsayD
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    AI written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Carry written by saartha
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]