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Author: vintagepepper
ASL Info:    21/F/OH
Elite Ratio:    7.05 - 191 /153 /46
Words: 51
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1215
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 310


namiste is a name of a friend of mine. ...and actually this poem was written in like two minutes. it wasnt really meant to portray any deep dark feeling of mine or anything of the sort. ...namiste and i were simply playing a game. where we each give each other two words that dont have anything to do with each other. and incorporate them into a short poem the best we can trying to tie their meanings together in some way. ...the two words he gave me were fear. and staircase. ...the poem doesn't have to make any sense. is just supposed to sound poetic. ...but thank you for your suggestions.


She's lying face down in her dreams,
as if in a pool of her own blood.
In this, she is paralyzed,
frozen in a place where only she exists.

It is bliss, being locked in her fantasy.
...the staircase,
like fear, she must face it.
...she must ascend

Submitted on 2007-04-23 16:50:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Neat writing exercise.
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by Ur.Poems.Suck | [ Reply to This ]

a coupla things.
one) i checked out Namiste on coz i thought maybe it was a word im not familiar with but it doesnt seem to exist as a word on there...?
the closest thing i found was namaste which is a hindu expression... was that what you were going for as a title?
i think you prolly need to make sure you spell your title correct because usually titles help the reader with their interpretation of the piece.

i think this piece doesnt really say anything. well atleast not to the reader. you make hints at dreams and fears and fantasies but you dont give the reader any indication as to what they are or what their place is in this piece.

you need to be aware that the image "lying in a pool of her own blood" is impossible to take seriously these days because a lot of teenaged people write a lot of pieces involving blood for images and i dont think that its as powerful as it once was.
there was once a time when the mention of blood in poetry gave it an urgence to be believed or acted upon but now blood is such a comonplace image its almost as if the reader forgets that blood is a lifesource. so try to refrain from the use of blood as imagery in your poetry.

i think you need to work on fleshing your ideas out more. the thing about writing is you know what is in your head but the reader doesnt so sometimes, even though it feels like you are being overly obvious, you need to put more explanation into your images so the reader can be on the same page as you...
what are those dreams in the first line you allude to? are they good dreams? are they achievable dreams?
are you saying she is paralysed in her dreams?
are you saying its bliss to be frozen in this place? bliss and frozen seem to contradict themselves to me... i dunno... i could be reading it wrong though.

anyways... theres just a coupla thoughts.
my challenge to you is to take this piece and the questions i have raised and rewrite this piece... come up with some of your own questions too to make sure that the reader will know what you are thinking when they read this piece.

good luck.
if you do rewrite let me know.
id been keen to see it

| Posted on 2007-04-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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