Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Untouchabledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katana Ryoko
    ASL Info:    17/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.86 - 483/428/109
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Alone
    Total Views: 665
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 393



    Description:
       I haven't written for a while. This is an attempt at starting again. Not sure if it's a good on, but hell I've tried.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntouchabledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Raindrops falling from an empty sky
    Feelings being played on by a selfish guy
    Heart keeps beating ever steadily
    No hurt shows in her wide eyes
    Letting the harmful words slide from her mind
    He's just a man, he can't bruise her
    She has her armor on, noone can touch her
    Walls of brick surround her
    But not even love can reach her




    Submitted on 2007-04-25 12:45:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First, WHY DIDN'T I GET A MESSAGE ABOUT THIS! Curse you, faulty Stalk! program!!!

    Second, I like the concept but the repeating of the word "her" in the last four lines is a bit much. Also some cliché word choices, but those are only at the end: "strong brick" is redundant.

    I like the first image of raindrops in an empty sky, but it feels like you're forcing rhyme with your second line. Sort of detracts from the piece...

    Well, hope that helps.

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      it's a good start. it could be longer though... but other than that. it's good... I like it..
    Hope alls been well for you
    Love ya
    Lizzie
    | Posted on 2007-04-26 00:00:00 | by angeldust | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141295

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Love written by saartha
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Etiquette written by saartha
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Carry written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry