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    dots Submission Name: Untouchabledots

    Author: Katana Ryoko
    ASL Info:    17/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.86 - 483/428/109
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Alone
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 393

       I haven't written for a while. This is an attempt at starting again. Not sure if it's a good on, but hell I've tried.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Raindrops falling from an empty sky
    Feelings being played on by a selfish guy
    Heart keeps beating ever steadily
    No hurt shows in her wide eyes
    Letting the harmful words slide from her mind
    He's just a man, he can't bruise her
    She has her armor on, noone can touch her
    Walls of brick surround her
    But not even love can reach her

    Submitted on 2007-04-25 12:45:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      First, WHY DIDN'T I GET A MESSAGE ABOUT THIS! Curse you, faulty Stalk! program!!!

    Second, I like the concept but the repeating of the word "her" in the last four lines is a bit much. Also some cliché word choices, but those are only at the end: "strong brick" is redundant.

    I like the first image of raindrops in an empty sky, but it feels like you're forcing rhyme with your second line. Sort of detracts from the piece...

    Well, hope that helps.

    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      it's a good start. it could be longer though... but other than that. it's good... I like it..
    Hope alls been well for you
    Love ya
    | Posted on 2007-04-26 00:00:00 | by angeldust | [ Reply to This ]

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