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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lesson Learneddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1004
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1263



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLesson Learneddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dad, I need a dollar.

    What do you need it for?

    I want to get an ice cream cone
    from Mr. Jim's old store.

    Tell me, have you earned it?
    What have you done for me?

    But Daddy, can't you get it
    off of your money tree?

    Ha, now that's a good one.
    I wish that it was true.
    But if you clean the table off
    I'll give this bill to you.

    I've cleaned the table off.
    May I go to the store?

    Yes, you have earned a dollar now.
    How would you like some more?
    I'll bet you one dollar
    that when I flip this dime
    it lands on heads instead of tails.
    We'll bet just this one time.

    If I win I'll have two
    to take to Jim's old store.
    Yep, I'll bet you this dollar bill
    so I can win one more.

    Well, it landed on heads.
    I guess I won this one.
    Now you give me your dollar bill.

    But Dad, now I have none!

    Yes, you should not gamble
    what you have worked hard for;
    'Cause money doesn't grow on trees,
    And now you have no more.




    Submitted on 2007-04-25 15:07:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hehe, very good. My daughter's four at the moment, but I shall try to bear this in mind when I get to the pocket money stage. Knowing my look however, it will land tails and I'd be sulking somewhere thinking of a rhyme where dad gets stiffed trying to be a smart arse.

    If you want some critique then I agree the rhyme is 'choppy' here and there.

    That 8th part is a little overstretched and the rhyme definately falters, however you can probably get away with it in this style.

    Most enjoyable
    Cheers
    Phil
    | Posted on 2007-05-15 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      Sort of reminiscent of something I'd read in where the sidewalk ends. This short anecdotal poem is well though out but after "I've cleaned the table off.
    May I go to the store?" the rhythm gets choppy. You stick nicely to your rhyme without it sounding horribly forced. Overall a good poem.
    peace
    | Posted on 2007-05-13 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      aw I love it. Its so cute!!! Seriously when I have kids (in like a billion years) I am so reading this to them. It was adorable!!!! Haha. Keep it up.
    -Randee
    | Posted on 2007-04-26 00:00:00 | by UnderlinedInRed | [ Reply to This ]


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