[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Sorrow in a day dots

    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 555
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 325

       Maya - a dream of a woman so beautiful that it can never come true. A dire feeling of getting her in life and the sorrow that i endure each and every second

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSorrow in a day dots

    Sorrow in life, not even a tear to dry,
    A drip in an oceans lie.
    A song in silence, mercy I beg,
    A dream that never cries.

    Long is the path, I wonder insane,
    Nature’s fury a power to die.
    Living with a dream, a hope, a life,
    Maya, I love you, please come alive.

    Submitted on 2007-04-26 01:39:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      you definately need to give the reader more.
    right now this is nothing. its just a random series of words roughly tacked together by a description. the reader cannot connect with this piece and has no idea what it is you are wanting them to take away from this piece.

    who is maya?
    did she ever live?
    will she ever live?
    does she know of your existance?
    does she know of the god like status she claims in your heart?

    i think you need to get some more concrete images to weight this piece.
    right now its so abstract and so obscure that i dont even think you know what youre talking about half the time.

    perhaps think about presenting this in a different way too...
    i dont think the 4 line stanza magic formula works so well for this piece [or for the potential this piece contains...]

    sorry i cant be more help.
    i do hope you try to express this idea better.
    but more of yourself into it.
    it is clear that her absence from your life causes you a degree of anguish... make the reader FEEL what you feel... give them your shoes and show them how to walk so that they will truely understand what/where it is you are coming from...

    yeah... i want more.
    | Posted on 2007-07-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      short way too short. this poem tells me nothing about her. just random things that have no meaning to the sorrow of not having her. your lines are too random and dont fit into the poem at all. you want her to be alive so bad yet you dont give your reason why. she just a girl in your dreams. i dont know maybe this was just a quick poem ill reads your others and give your comments to them.....
    | Posted on 2007-04-30 00:00:00 | by chaos_flame | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    A Drink written by jjd
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Bond written by saartha
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The Promise written by annie0888
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    ME written by jjd
    Linger written by saartha
    This written by Chelebel
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Incubus written by monad




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]