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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sorrow in a day dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 528
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 325



    Description:
       Maya - a dream of a woman so beautiful that it can never come true. A dire feeling of getting her in life and the sorrow that i endure each and every second


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    dotsSorrow in a day dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sorrow in life, not even a tear to dry,
    A drip in an oceans lie.
    A song in silence, mercy I beg,
    A dream that never cries.

    Long is the path, I wonder insane,
    Nature’s fury a power to die.
    Living with a dream, a hope, a life,
    Maya, I love you, please come alive.




    Submitted on 2007-04-26 01:39:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you definately need to give the reader more.
    right now this is nothing. its just a random series of words roughly tacked together by a description. the reader cannot connect with this piece and has no idea what it is you are wanting them to take away from this piece.

    who is maya?
    did she ever live?
    will she ever live?
    does she know of your existance?
    does she know of the god like status she claims in your heart?

    i think you need to get some more concrete images to weight this piece.
    right now its so abstract and so obscure that i dont even think you know what youre talking about half the time.

    perhaps think about presenting this in a different way too...
    i dont think the 4 line stanza magic formula works so well for this piece [or for the potential this piece contains...]

    sorry i cant be more help.
    i do hope you try to express this idea better.
    but more of yourself into it.
    it is clear that her absence from your life causes you a degree of anguish... make the reader FEEL what you feel... give them your shoes and show them how to walk so that they will truely understand what/where it is you are coming from...

    yeah... i want more.
    | Posted on 2007-07-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      short way too short. this poem tells me nothing about her. just random things that have no meaning to the sorrow of not having her. your lines are too random and dont fit into the poem at all. you want her to be alive so bad yet you dont give your reason why. she just a girl in your dreams. i dont know maybe this was just a quick poem ill reads your others and give your comments to them.....
    | Posted on 2007-04-30 00:00:00 | by chaos_flame | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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