Letter to me -------------------------------------------
i cant help thinking what went wrong, why i cant let him go. i have a new guy thats always by my side, and he'll never let me go. Yet the one I tend to think of, is not the one you think...The one I loved first and the one I love still...the one love that I can't let go of...He hurt me and twisted my life...Stole all my pride and my sense of dignity...but yet I love him...and wish to this day that he would, even now, love me the same...I remember what it feels like beside you...but I deserve much better than you...You fuck...you hurt me and here I am crying over you...I bet you dont even think of me do you...I just want to let go...Please someone tell me...how to let go of him...Our love...my love for him was a self-hating love....the kind that no matter how much it hurts you don't want to give up on it....I just can't let go...Im not a quiter but...you quit me...does that make you a failure....I wonder....Or did I fail because I couldn't hold on to you...I don't know where do I go from here....Someone help me...This letter to myself is not helping...he has come back into my life...and I just wish he would go...and leave me in peace
I guess exactly what you wrote is the very thing I'm most scared of in the world...and that's not falling out of love with the one person I DON'T want to love anymore. It's so hard when you want to move on...when you want to let that part of your life go, but something inside just won't let you. I'm afraid of finding that new new guy, and not being able to truly love him, because of feelings that still linger for someone else. I wish I had answers for you...but I don't....I feel like this letter to yourself is a letter I write to myself every day. I ran into a quote the other day..that just..hit somewhere with me..and it is...
"There's no past tense in loving someone. Either you do, or you never did."
Maybe moving on is something we learn to do. Maybe we won't ever stop loving those people in our past..we just learn to live without them.
Sometimes writing these type of things is the best way to get out all out frustration and confusion. I know you are probably still confused but I'm sure you feel at least better getting this out. What you need to do is give me a call so we can talk so I can get this straight. Just hang in there and I'm sure everything is ok.
Oh sweetheart. I know these feelings, even now. I don't have another to help me move along, but somehow my soul is allowing me to fight back, to tell the man I love that it's time for him to figure himself out.
Darling, the way that love works is that somehow, some way, you will always have affection for the first. For example. Sometimes I think of my first ex boyfriend, we'll call him Erin. I look at Erin every day and wonder, even though we don't talk, if he still thinks I'm pretty. I hold next to no love for him any longer, but something still stirs when I look at him. It's tiny, but it's there, and I wonder if I was unfaithful during my year long relationship with the man I'm currently fighting over.
You'll be ok, I promise. I know these feelings so well that they are like my other self. I know them. And they don't completely fade. But they will get to the point where you won't think about your first anymore, or love him anymore. Your mind and body and soul will be focused on the man you currently are with and love.