Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Watched Potsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 230/390/136
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1067



    Description:
       A very quick rough draft. 7 minute write. I'll probably get around to editing this one later. Thoughts, comments, and suggestions are always welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWatched Potsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I first noticed the bubbles in your words
    several months ago, when you were
    experiencing your first bout of existential angst
    like a childhood virus that, left inexperienced for so long,
    made up for lost time by worming straight to the core.

    You spoke in code, speech erratic with popping words
    scorching with some internal heat that stewed
    in the back of your throat, baking shadows into your eyes.
    Left alone, you seethed at the edges, blackening your brain
    with dark ideas and convoluted thoughts that made sense
    on the surface, but really just added fuel to the flame
    with imponderable questions and answers that didnít
    actually answer anything at all.

    I am wracked with worry for you, but those mental
    incendiaries are too flammable for my unskilled firefighting.
    I have taken to watching you carefully, because
    although it is far too late to stop you from bubbling,
    perhaps I can prevent you from boiling over.




    Submitted on 2007-04-26 23:52:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You spoke in code, speech erratic with popping words
    Scorching with some internal heat that stewed
    In the back of your throat, baking shadows into your eyes.
    Left alone, you seethed at the edges, blackening your brain
    With dark ideas and convoluted thoughts that made sense
    On the surface, but really just added fuel to the flame
    With imponderable questions and answers that didnít
    Actually answer anything at all.

    I love this. Such clear descriptive language, this is in my opinion the most powerful stanza. if I had to choose a favorite line from amongst the many gems though, it would have to be "baking shadows into your eyes."
    I don't like the word firefighter though, instead I would write "To be extinguished". that's my only nitpick. Great work_devoted.
    | Posted on 2007-04-27 00:00:00 | by devoted_dozer | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141420

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Instances written by hyproglo
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    ... written by Daniel Barlow
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Some of it written by Daniel Barlow
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    "other people don't get that" written by Daniel Barlow
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    Bam (Awash). written by Daniel Barlow
    an explanation of how i was not good written by Daniel Barlow
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    ME written by jjd
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Stretto written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Benediction written by Daniel Barlow
    Saying it to you with some gangsta shit written by Daniel Barlow
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Stance written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    This written by Chelebel

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry