Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Watched Potsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 737
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1067



    Description:
       A very quick rough draft. 7 minute write. I'll probably get around to editing this one later. Thoughts, comments, and suggestions are always welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWatched Potsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I first noticed the bubbles in your words
    several months ago, when you were
    experiencing your first bout of existential angst
    like a childhood virus that, left inexperienced for so long,
    made up for lost time by worming straight to the core.

    You spoke in code, speech erratic with popping words
    scorching with some internal heat that stewed
    in the back of your throat, baking shadows into your eyes.
    Left alone, you seethed at the edges, blackening your brain
    with dark ideas and convoluted thoughts that made sense
    on the surface, but really just added fuel to the flame
    with imponderable questions and answers that didnít
    actually answer anything at all.

    I am wracked with worry for you, but those mental
    incendiaries are too flammable for my unskilled firefighting.
    I have taken to watching you carefully, because
    although it is far too late to stop you from bubbling,
    perhaps I can prevent you from boiling over.




    Submitted on 2007-04-26 23:52:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You spoke in code, speech erratic with popping words
    Scorching with some internal heat that stewed
    In the back of your throat, baking shadows into your eyes.
    Left alone, you seethed at the edges, blackening your brain
    With dark ideas and convoluted thoughts that made sense
    On the surface, but really just added fuel to the flame
    With imponderable questions and answers that didnít
    Actually answer anything at all.

    I love this. Such clear descriptive language, this is in my opinion the most powerful stanza. if I had to choose a favorite line from amongst the many gems though, it would have to be "baking shadows into your eyes."
    I don't like the word firefighter though, instead I would write "To be extinguished". that's my only nitpick. Great work_devoted.
    | Posted on 2007-04-27 00:00:00 | by devoted_dozer | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141420

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Bond written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Push written by JanePlane
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Fasade written by jackz
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Every..... written by jackz

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry