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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Personification in Class.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Namlooc20
    ASL Info:    26/Male/Spokane, WA
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 359/327/107
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 786



    Description:
       Another one for Creative writing using personification. woo. *party balloons*


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPersonification in Class.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    So I wake up
    About quarter to five
    Nothing is moving
    Nothing's alive

    Rub my eyes
    Move the sheets
    Shock to the system
    There goes my school week

    I have my paws
    I have no clothes
    I check the mirror
    I mystically glow

    I'm soft to the touch
    Yet painful to the sight
    look at me wrong
    I'll punch you in the eye

    I dash to my parents
    Yet in such disbelief
    They look like me now
    That's not a relief

    We scream
    we shout
    my sister
    she let out a pout

    Being a kangaroo should be fun
    At least in my Mind
    I'm Radioactive
    and I make people cry




    Submitted on 2007-04-30 17:07:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      So I wake up
    About quarter to five
    Nothing is moving
    Nothing's alive

    Rub my eyes
    Move the sheets
    Shock to the system
    There goes my school week

    I have my paws
    I have no clothes
    I check the mirror
    I mystically glow


    those are good. good flow and words, etc, etc.

    But then things begin to crash.

    I'm soft to the touch
    Yet painful to the sight
    look at me wrong
    I'll punch you in the eye

    First of all, that part doesn't flow quite right. Maybe something more like...

    I'm soft to the touch
    Yet painful to see
    look at me wrong,
    I'll react violently

    it maintains the rhyming scheme, and reader's aren't struggling to maintain the flow.

    We scream
    we shout
    my sister
    she let out a pout

    I'm all for changing it up a little, but keep it consistent within the stanzas. "She let out a a pout" is inconsistent in verb tense and syllable count. I'd say change it to "she pouts."

    and the last stanza has all the same problems, so maybe something more like

    "I'm a fun kangaroo
    at least in my head
    I'm radioactive
    I fill people with dread."

    and then I'd encourage you to go on and give a more solid ending.

    hm, and just for the record, I'm not entirely clear on how this is personification.

    but I did like the concept and I think this has a lot of potential.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-04-30 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


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