Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Personification in Class.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Namlooc20
    ASL Info:    26/Male/Spokane, WA
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 359/327/107
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1074
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 786



    Description:
       Another one for Creative writing using personification. woo. *party balloons*


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPersonification in Class.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    So I wake up
    About quarter to five
    Nothing is moving
    Nothing's alive

    Rub my eyes
    Move the sheets
    Shock to the system
    There goes my school week

    I have my paws
    I have no clothes
    I check the mirror
    I mystically glow

    I'm soft to the touch
    Yet painful to the sight
    look at me wrong
    I'll punch you in the eye

    I dash to my parents
    Yet in such disbelief
    They look like me now
    That's not a relief

    We scream
    we shout
    my sister
    she let out a pout

    Being a kangaroo should be fun
    At least in my Mind
    I'm Radioactive
    and I make people cry




    Submitted on 2007-04-30 17:07:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      So I wake up
    About quarter to five
    Nothing is moving
    Nothing's alive

    Rub my eyes
    Move the sheets
    Shock to the system
    There goes my school week

    I have my paws
    I have no clothes
    I check the mirror
    I mystically glow


    those are good. good flow and words, etc, etc.

    But then things begin to crash.

    I'm soft to the touch
    Yet painful to the sight
    look at me wrong
    I'll punch you in the eye

    First of all, that part doesn't flow quite right. Maybe something more like...

    I'm soft to the touch
    Yet painful to see
    look at me wrong,
    I'll react violently

    it maintains the rhyming scheme, and reader's aren't struggling to maintain the flow.

    We scream
    we shout
    my sister
    she let out a pout

    I'm all for changing it up a little, but keep it consistent within the stanzas. "She let out a a pout" is inconsistent in verb tense and syllable count. I'd say change it to "she pouts."

    and the last stanza has all the same problems, so maybe something more like

    "I'm a fun kangaroo
    at least in my head
    I'm radioactive
    I fill people with dread."

    and then I'd encourage you to go on and give a more solid ending.

    hm, and just for the record, I'm not entirely clear on how this is personification.

    but I did like the concept and I think this has a lot of potential.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-04-30 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141664

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Linger written by saartha
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    To written by SavedDragon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry