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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Vanitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BleedingTears
    ASL Info:    16/f/Neverland
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 418/289/62
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Society
    Total Views: 1049
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 651



    Description:
       I'm sick of seeing people walking with so much pride..
    I'm tired of hearing them talk all about themselves..
    It's lame thinking they're my influence..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVanitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    So we're in love with ourselves.
    Vanity making us beautiful.
    Vanity making us have solid hearts.
    With a pucker of the lips
    and a kiss on the neck,
    making every breath lustful.
    Making us all so, vain.
    Our presentation of beauty and grace, so full of pride.
    And all this time, eating us inside.
    Swimming in this pool of pride,
    So shallow and so dense,
    Giving me no where to swim.
    It's so foggy,
    It's so vague.
    Everything so unclear.
    Do these words have any meaning?
    Why are these looks so deceiving?
    How are we so vain?




    Submitted on 2007-04-30 22:04:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW... a very strong write on your part. well done. ALL i have to say now is that i was taken away by how much emotion put into it, but at the same time, it seemed like the poem having a personality of itself, lacked emotion. I am not explaining this well. Umm well anyway [censored] it, ummm.... okay PEACE.
    Ohh and you know... nice picture, that is what caught my eye as i skimmed the 'People'.

    PEACE
    OUT
    PUB
    SCOUT

    ~mag...grrr!
    | Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by Magger32 | [ Reply to This ]
      *gasp* *pant* *WHEEZE* MAN, but that's a lot of comments. I'm starting to get tired just from scrolling back and forth... (You'd think some of these clowns would know to only hit the "Post this Critique" button once, but hey, I've multiposted myself...)

    All right then. Commenting.

    "So we're in love with ourselves.
    Vanity making us beautiful.
    Vanity making us have solid hearts."

    I wonder if you might consider "giving us" instead of "making us have;" it's tighter and gets the same point across. The repetition isn't worth the damage it does to rhythm/line length.

    "With a pucker of the lips
    and a kiss on the neck,
    making every breath lustful.
    Making us all so, vain."

    There shouldn't be a comma after "so." I'm not entirely sure if I understand these lines' place in the poem, other than to show vanity as two sins in one: narcissism and lust. Perhaps they are one and the same, when it comes to that. I'm not sure about the word "lustful," though--it detracts from the flow of the other lines and sort of damages the imagery. Maybe you could find a way to turn the third line into a metaphor?

    "Our presentation of beauty and grace, so full of pride.
    And all this time, eating us inside."

    This is a problem I encounter too often. Basically, your rhyme scheme is screwed up. You just went from free-form (lips/neck/lustful/vain) to an ending rhyme for three lines, and back to freeform. Then you finish out with more rhyming. If it's only done once, I can see it as an attempt to make those lines stand out; but when it's done multiple times in one piece, the flow starts to break apart.

    "Swimming in this pool of pride,
    So shallow and so dense,
    Giving me no where to swim.
    It's so foggy,
    It's so vague.
    Everything so unclear."

    I like this metaphor. It says what you seem to want without damaging the rest of the piece. However, "nowhere" is one word.

    "Do these words have any meaning?
    Why are these looks so deceiving?
    How are we so vain?"

    I like the idea of ending on a question, but the third one seems a bit repetitive of the rest of the poem. Maybe if you rephrased it... As for the first two lines of rhyme, if you were to correct for the whole freeform/rhyme/freeform/rhyme thing, I would keep those two lines as the ones you emphasize. They're approaching the main point of the poem, right?

    Content-wise, and as far as message is concerned, you're saying something important that few people are willing to hear nowadays. However, the execution could use a little revision. You'll get it.

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-08-20 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      ive never seen vanity that way, a good good write! keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by damienelizabeth | [ Reply to This ]
      u made me question my whole teenagerdom and the [censored]es i went to school with. keep it up
    | Posted on 2007-07-12 00:00:00 | by iscreamicry | [ Reply to This ]
      u made me question my whole teenagerdom and the [censored]es i went to school with. keep it up
    | Posted on 2007-07-12 00:00:00 | by iscreamicry | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, this is great....reminds me of all the [censored] you see on tv, how everything is "I'm so hot, look at me, pay me for my pctures" Excelent

    Storm

    PS sorry for ot commentin more, barely have time to check my own [censored] lol
    | Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice write and a beautiful pic to match it, thank you for shring this with me. look forward to enjoying some more of your work.

    Ladymustang
    | Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      i forgot to tell, you have got good eyes if thats really yours
    | Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ]
      thats a good one
    it really explains a lot

    | Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ]
      You definetly made a good point there, I really liked this peice, it sort of opens your eyes to more things that no one thinks about.

    I think, in my opinion, you should consider re-writing it, your wording is just a little off. I'm not saying its bad, because its very good, it just needs work. It seems more like a rough copy to me.

    "Do these words have any meaning?
    Why are these looks so decieving?
    How are we so vain?"

    I'm sure you knew I was going to say something about this, its not bad, it would make sense if it was somewhere in the middle, and the questions were spread out, but it makes the whole poem seem like a giant cliffhanger. And in the second question, are you talking about looks that you get or the appearance of people?
    And when you ask,

    "Do these words have any meaning?"

    it seems like you are almost doubting your poem, I know you probably want it to mean something else, but if I have to sit here and wonder about it and try and figure it out, you didnt make it clear enough.

    "So we're in love with ourselves"

    you should try making it maybe

    "We're so in love with ourselves..."

    Also:

    "With a pucker of the lips,
    and a kiss on the neck..."

    This needs more description to actually make more sense out of it. I look into poems deep, and I can almost make sense of anything the writer is trying to say, but this one line just doesnt tie in. With more detail you can make these two lines a big hit and tie the whole thing together, and then follows a bigger impact on other people that read it, because this poem could really make someone see how the world is.

    I also want to let you know that I agree totally with this poem, and I am glad someone said something like this, even if it needs work, because someone had to, and it seemed like no one was.
    Thanks for stopping and seeing what the rest of the world doesnt.

    But, like I said, it has potential, just as most of your beautiful work does, more description is the key to this one, adjectives and metaphors, I won't say so much imagery because you want to keep this message REALITY, and if you tie that with imagery, it wont reach out to people the way it should, because most people wont take the time to sink themselves into it and actually uncover reality from fantasy.
    It might make sense if you really practice and know how to do it, I did my best with that on my poem, "Jesus Who?" just recently posted today. Check it out, I try to send another message out to people, but I bet everyone will bash it.

    I must ask, are those your eyes and lips?
    I have wondered that since i first stumbled upon you, lol.

    Great Job, just work on it, and everyone will love it. If only we would all work together to change the world, it would happen, but we wont, because no one sees things like you and me do.

    My quote:

    "The world can't be helped if the world doesn't help."

    that reminds me to change it on my profile, lol.

    Nice job, look forward to seeing the re-write if you decide to do it, and I hope you will.

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      You definetly made a good point there, I really liked this peice, it sort of opens your eyes to more things that no one thinks about.

    I think, in my opinion, you should consider re-writing it, your wording is just a little off. I'm not saying its bad, because its very good, it just needs work. It seems more like a rough copy to me.

    "Do these words have any meaning?
    Why are these looks so decieving?
    How are we so vain?"

    I'm sure you knew I was going to say something about this, its not bad, it would make sense if it was somewhere in the middle, and the questions were spread out, but it makes the whole poem seem like a giant cliffhanger. And in the second question, are you talking about looks that you get or the appearance of people?
    And when you ask,

    "Do these words have any meaning?"

    it seems like you are almost doubting your poem, I know you probably want it to mean something else, but if I have to sit here and wonder about it and try and figure it out, you didnt make it clear enough.

    "So we're in love with ourselves"

    you should try making it maybe

    "We're so in love with ourselves..."

    Also:

    "With a pucker of the lips,
    and a kiss on the neck..."

    This needs more description to actually make more sense out of it. I look into poems deep, and I can almost make sense of anything the writer is trying to say, but this one line just doesnt tie in. With more detail you can make these two lines a big hit and tie the whole thing together, and then follows a bigger impact on other people that read it, because this poem could really make someone see how the world is.

    I also want to let you know that I agree totally with this poem, and I am glad someone said something like this, even if it needs work, because someone had to, and it seemed like no one was.
    Thanks for stopping and seeing what the rest of the world doesnt.

    But, like I said, it has potential, just as most of your beautiful work does, more description is the key to this one, adjectives and metaphors, I won't say so much imagery because you want to keep this message REALITY, and if you tie that with imagery, it wont reach out to people the way it should, because most people wont take the time to sink themselves into it and actually uncover reality from fantasy.
    It might make sense if you really practice and know how to do it, I did my best with that on my poem, "Jesus Who?" just recently posted today. Check it out, I try to send another message out to people, but I bet everyone will bash it.

    I must ask, are those your eyes and lips?
    I have wondered that since i first stumbled upon you, lol.

    Great Job, just work on it, and everyone will love it. If only we would all work together to change the world, it would happen, but we wont, because no one sees things like you and me do.

    My quote:

    "The world can't be helped if the world doesn't help."

    that reminds me to change it on my profile, lol.

    Nice job, look forward to seeing the re-write if you decide to do it, and I hope you will.

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      With a pucker of the lips
    and a kiss on the neck,
    making every breath lustful.
    Making us all so, vain.

    first of all, let me say that this poem is very intriguing.
    the fact that a kiss on the neck makes every breath the people take lustful puts you in the situation, and if you've been there before you realize that sometimes it is because you love someone, but all the while you are thinking if you yourself are "right" or if you yourself are as lovely as the person makes it out that you are.
    every time i re-read those few lines i can put myself in a thought of a time a while ago when i was worried if i was really as beautiful as some make it out i am,
    but vanity doesn't matter. so why did i care?
    your poem gives that question to me.
    great write.
    | Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by blahblahgurl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141683

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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