Translucent Dreams by Lilithe

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Submission Name: Translucent Dreams dots

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Author:	Lilithe_Aislin
ASL Info:	20/F/OH
Elite Ratio:	5.19 - 79/67/15
Words:	115

Class/Type:	Poetry/Mirror or Mask
Total Views:	229
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	805

Description:
I don't recall what exactly I was thinking when I wrote this, but I believe it can be interpreted in many different ways.

Translucent Dreams dots

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My dreams are like snow sifting through the air
A closer look will reveal their true identity
Ashes
Choking the summer breeze in a sulfur whisper
Dissolving, evolving into another false truth
Memories
Kill with every thought lacerating skin
A shiver in my heart laid to rest
Love
A balance of life and death meet clearly drawn
Through sleepy eyes and half told lies they feel
Hope
Though distantly it wakes to silent calls
Misleading, reading only traces upon dying flames
Embers
Where dreams are born in burning passion
Slowly they fade, shimmering away with the wind
Lost
Longer the wait, hearts find cold embraces
My dreams are like snow sifting through the air

Submitted on 2007-05-01 08:28:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  you are a very fine writer/poet ... the lines are nearly liquid and flow as though penned by an old and practiced hand adept at such things ... excellent, superb! bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
| Posted on 2007-05-09 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  First off don't litsen to the person who said

(wate of space.like rent people.like you)
i mean what the heck does that mean?

anyway enough of that garbage on to your poem...I love the title *Transulcent Dreams*

I get a lot of mixed feelings,some like you feel dead inside and you have been hurt many times.you feel hope in the future yet through the lies hope is lost?Your last couple of lines i feel..the longer you wait your heart is growing colder?...if i'm way of base here sorry those thoughts came to after reading your poem over four times before i commented.Thank you for the read would you please let me know if i was close to the feelings of this piece?take care
| Posted on 2007-05-02 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this flowed extremely well, and I really liked the way you structured and worded it. If we don't hold on to our dreams, they will fade away like embers in the wind. That is a really awesome visual. I like it alot. As I reread it and try to find something specific to critique, there is nothing I would want to correct or change. Sometimes some of the phrases look kind of iffy, but the more I read it the more I like it. Good work!

~Jared
| Posted on 2007-05-02 00:00:00 | by Jared | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this for some reason. I like the insertion of words in between the stanzas, they work like transitions from one to the next. The flow you picked was beautiful as well, moving from love and hope to lost. Very cold and lonely feeling piece and a very good representation of dreams for me. Seems like the poem I was trying to write when I wrote Moonlight Frost.
| Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
  Fantastic - I especially love the description. For the readers sake, I think that putting this into seperate stanzas would be very benefical; it would give it more power and a sort of zing, I think.

Like this:

"Ashes
Choking the summer breeze in a sulfur whisper
Dissolving, evolving into another false truth

Memories
Kill with every thought lacerating skin
A shiver in my heart laid to rest"

and doing that for Love, Hope, Embers, and Lost as well.

For me this feels like a nightmare, and it's different phases throughout. The description really feeds that, because dreams and nightmares are always so detailed, and easy to feel and believe.

I feel like there should be a single word as the first line, before "My dreams are like snow sifting through the air / A closer look will reveal their true identity". Translucent maybe?

I really enjoyed this, thank you for the read, and I think I'll go check out some more of your work.

Well done.

XX

| Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by Isolde xx | [ Reply to This ]
  wate of space.like rent people.like you
| Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by to-wit | [ Reply to This ]

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