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    dots Submission Name: Season of Contrasts dots

    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1569
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1312

       Thanks to Alteredlife (Jase) for coming to the restructering, rescue of my poem. The knight as ever.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeason of Contrasts dots

    Season of Contrasts

    Itís that time of year when trees are thick with pink blossom,
    the pavement littered with stubs of cigarettes
    and petals.

    Two old ladies cross
    at traffic lights, walk slow, lean heavily on black sticks:
    their arms linked, heads together in the closeness of mutual support.

    On one side of the road mortar shows chipped on a broken wall
    and dandelions turn from yellow to white
    behind black, metal bars.

    graffiti stains shutters on derelict shops,
    second-hand clothes hang on racks outside the One-in-Eight,

    and neighboring new built stores stare with blind, white windows
    across the Gloucester Road; nearby,
    the park buds children.

    Their voices
    drown out the birds. 'Heís going to be a spider.'
    'I want to be a dragon.' 'Youíre going to be a robot.'

    Here the traffic is less condensed, and girls swirl past
    on silver scooters.'Whatís that, a ruby?'
    'No, itís an emerald.'

    wheel baby buggies past cracked
    timber benches, and a small boy plays with a wooden train.

    Submitted on 2007-05-03 06:06:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    I love how you can find the beauty in spring time even amongst the graffiti, cig butts, and buildings that are dilapidated
    These things are still still important to point out because they are part of our every day lives and our new view of beauty
    There rarely untouched beauty of nature any more
    Some of those children who grow up in city parks will never experience that and need to learn appreciate the little beauty they get to see
    whether it be a dandelion or budding tree

    You have excellent imagery in this poem
    I can picture (i live near Chicago so my mental image was the city) the cities children running around so perfect
    You painted a wonderful picture with your words
    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot, but I don't feel like it has any closure at all and that completely detracts from the impact of the poem. There's such a lack of closure that it feels like you only stopped halfway through the poem and forgot to submit the rest. It seems unfinished to me. I'd line it up with a repetition at the end of a previous, impacting line, more direction and perhaps a little something the reader can take away with them.
    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this. Its so airy, autumn-like with a smooth poetic flow. The image is so vivid in my mind with a hint of feeble disconnections between the various images. The voices of the children somehow remind my of Woolf's "The Waves", and images of London life. There's a suave pleasure in this, felt through the ordinarity of contrasting seasons.

    "Itís that time of year when trees are thick with pink blossom,
    the pavement littered with stubs of cigarettes
    and petals"

    These lines are so beautiful, the truthfullness of pavements- cigarettes and petals..

    Greatly enjoyed this poetic ride.
    | Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by AutumnLeaves | [ Reply to This ]

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