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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sadnessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AutumnLeaves
    ASL Info:    26/f/ Cyprus
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 95/103/44
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 767
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 658



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSadnessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sadness,
    Come out of me
    Only for a quiet second
    Pay me a visit
    Just like you used to.
    Let me vanish behind your wings
    And share my solitude with you
    As if you were an angel.
    Sadness,
    I miss the strange satisfaction
    From your presence
    The frail and frequent closure
    Of my soul
    From your embraces.
    As if you were a lover.
    Sadness,
    I know you.
    I know
    you are somewhere there.
    Far away from the surface of my senses
    Napping on my harmless bottom
    As if you were a child,
    And all I can feel is your heartbeat.




    Submitted on 2007-05-03 09:02:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is a lovely soft tone to this and the opening is lovely but the lines seem overly long in comparison at the end and I don't understand 'Napping on my harmless bottom'
    This would be even stronger shorter. The allusion to the angel and your embraces seem unnecessary. Also this would work well split into 6 line stanzas.

    Sadness,
    Come out of me
    Only for a quiet second
    Pay me a visit
    Just like you used to.
    Let me vanish behind your wings


    Sadness,
    I miss the strange satisfaction
    of your presence
    The frail and frequent closure
    Of my soul
    From your embraces.


    Sadness,
    I know you.
    I know
    you are somewhere there.
    Far away from the surface of my senses
    And all I can feel is your heartbeat.

    love to know what you think.
    take care
    nessie
    | Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, not too many people search out sadness, beg it to come and visit them. It almost sounds like a Romantic Era theme, though your treatment is far different. As for critique, the “from” in L11 sounded a bit off to me. I feel “of” would work better grammatically, though the sound of “from” is nicer. Nice line break at L18 (the 2nd “I know”).
    Napping on your bottom??!! I won’t comment on that.
    I have trouble conceptually with all this. Sadness, come out of me / pay me a visit. As if the internal feeling made it impossible to deal with it, to resolve it? Have I got this right, or have I completely misunderstood? I am unsure, not because the writing is poor, but because it is so intensely personal. Let me know if I’m whacko.
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-05-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


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