Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sadnessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AutumnLeaves
    ASL Info:    26/f/ Cyprus
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 95/103/44
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 658



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSadnessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sadness,
    Come out of me
    Only for a quiet second
    Pay me a visit
    Just like you used to.
    Let me vanish behind your wings
    And share my solitude with you
    As if you were an angel.
    Sadness,
    I miss the strange satisfaction
    From your presence
    The frail and frequent closure
    Of my soul
    From your embraces.
    As if you were a lover.
    Sadness,
    I know you.
    I know
    you are somewhere there.
    Far away from the surface of my senses
    Napping on my harmless bottom
    As if you were a child,
    And all I can feel is your heartbeat.




    Submitted on 2007-05-03 09:02:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      There is a lovely soft tone to this and the opening is lovely but the lines seem overly long in comparison at the end and I don't understand 'Napping on my harmless bottom'
    This would be even stronger shorter. The allusion to the angel and your embraces seem unnecessary. Also this would work well split into 6 line stanzas.

    Sadness,
    Come out of me
    Only for a quiet second
    Pay me a visit
    Just like you used to.
    Let me vanish behind your wings


    Sadness,
    I miss the strange satisfaction
    of your presence
    The frail and frequent closure
    Of my soul
    From your embraces.


    Sadness,
    I know you.
    I know
    you are somewhere there.
    Far away from the surface of my senses
    And all I can feel is your heartbeat.

    love to know what you think.
    take care
    nessie
    | Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, not too many people search out sadness, beg it to come and visit them. It almost sounds like a Romantic Era theme, though your treatment is far different. As for critique, the “from” in L11 sounded a bit off to me. I feel “of” would work better grammatically, though the sound of “from” is nicer. Nice line break at L18 (the 2nd “I know”).
    Napping on your bottom??!! I won’t comment on that.
    I have trouble conceptually with all this. Sadness, come out of me / pay me a visit. As if the internal feeling made it impossible to deal with it, to resolve it? Have I got this right, or have I completely misunderstood? I am unsure, not because the writing is poor, but because it is so intensely personal. Let me know if I’m whacko.
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-05-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141835

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Love written by saartha
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Relativity written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry