Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A 21st Century Grimoiredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shoggoth
    ASL Info:    24/m/croatia
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 80/84/30
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 686
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 832



    Description:
       Please tell me if you got the point, and what you think about it in general. Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA 21st Century Grimoiredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mankind flaunts it's power
    And molds itself a cenotaph
    That cleaves up through the Air.
    The reeling Sun gives way
    To a fabricated edifice
    A replica of neon glare.
    Days now harbor specious light
    And night-time echoes days
    To guarantee indemnity.
    All for one and for himself
    Man prepares to execute
    A pre-humous solemnity.

    The Sun has never wielded
    Such a dead-pale coloration
    Of the darkened yellow cast.
    It has tarnished to a crease
    In the clear and azure sky
    Like eventide amassed.
    The star has grown to human eyes
    So bland and unafflicting,
    So servile and concrete.
    The score by which Natura played
    Has wavered and engendered
    A dampened and arhythmic beat.




    Submitted on 2007-05-03 14:46:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this seems too wordy for me.

    the first 3 lines of this piece are stunning. the image is severe and it makes me think of my trip to the north of Ethiopia to Axum looking at the Obelisks there... standing high and proud and seeming to touch the sky.

    your imagery sounds purposeful but there seems to be so much that it is hard to work it all out. that makes me sound lazy but i promise im not. i think you could prolly try to make this more overt in your meaning i guess.

    grimoire is a book used for black magic? thats what dictionary.com told me it was anyways...

    your vocab is impressive throughout this piece i do not think it contributes as much to this piece as you seem to think it does. it leaves the lines bulky and the images hard to digest.

    though it does make the piece somewhat mysterious which is kinda neat really. it just doesnt seem to me that there is an overall togetherness of the images in this piece... they dont seem to head in one direction nor do they weave together or tie up at the end...

    yeah... im just not sure.
    this is a crummy comment.
    | Posted on 2007-07-23 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141855

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry