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Jesus Who?

Author: necrotic
ASL Info:    22/F/NY
Elite Ratio:    8 - 198 /94 /33
Words: 246
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1816
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1440


I like this poem a lot and I worked hard on it, I wanted to dip reality into fantasy, and tie them together, and I think it worked out well, I would appreciate the feedback.

Jesus Who?

While rain falls and melts my awakening away,
I see only darkness in my dreams.
To pray is bringing nightmares to life,
Like asking the flowers to dance when there is no wind to form a melody.
I dream of heartache,
when the souls of others pass me I awake in a place that's shutdown from happiness.
I cry out for my Lord to save me,
where darkness is I should see light,
but where the air is humid I cannot breath.
The water should bathe me, but only it drowns me.
I sit on the rooftop of my own world,
reaching to find myself buried in the hands of forgiveness.
I cry to the Son of God who saved us,
and I wonder if deafness overwhelmed the air around me.
The cross - a symbol of safety and sanity,
does not mean anything when worn by our hearts.
Do we not still suffer?
When we pray, are we not ignored?
Coward, to take away my dreams and reproduce empty thoughts of depression.
To place a person in utter Hell is not love.
I am chlosterphobic in this cell,
I seem blind when I can see,
I am numb from dampness,
thrown through the earth and shattered in Hell.
I shall learn the truth from Satan,
for when he steps towards me and hears my cries to Jesus,
he will only look at me and ask me,
"Jesus Who?"
And I do not disagree.

Submitted on 2007-05-03 16:22:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  i like the line rooftop of my own world best of all.
like Buddha in a lotus on the tarmac, i think.
i also liked the when we pray are we not also ignored line,
it had rather eastern flavor like curried lamb.

makes me want to wear silk pajamas and listen to the Dead Can Dance.
| Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
  This is one of your poems I wanted to comment on; it's something everyone can relate to in some way, because there is no one who goes through life without experiencing some form of despair.

One of my favorite verses is,

"I cry to the Son of God who saved us,
and I wonder if deafness overwhelmed the air around me."

This really captures that feeling of sensing your prayer is not being heard; it feels like your words are bouncing off of a brick wall.

I think I agree with Daokao about changing
"a place that is shutdown from happiness" to "a place without happiness". It means that same thing, but it reads a little smoother.

The only suggestion I would have is to change
"The water should bathe me, but only it drowns me." Switch 'it' and 'only'. "but it only drowns me" makes more grammatical sense.

The ending is the most effective part; it paints a picture of the self satisfaction and victory that the devil must feel when he sees someone who has given up hope; he has successfully used the reality of all the bad things in the world to blind that person to the much bigger reality of love and truth that God offers. Even when God does not listen and we don't know why, we must never let Satan win our hearts. Someday all the illusions and darkness will melt away to reveal what has always been here; the presence of God. We have to open up our hearts and see outside of ourselves.

This was very well written, but I hope that you will be able to write a sequel someday about how you found happiness and escaped from despair. You could call it, "Satan who?" haha

| Posted on 2007-08-18 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very well written, yet it takes me into a place of utter hopelessness and giving up on anything positive or beautiful in life..

the world is so overwhelming sometimes. it is easy to fall into despair, so i can understand where you come from with this poem. i have visited Despair too, many times.

i recently wrote something about the history of humanity, where there is so much war, rape and pillaging.. yet i still seek the Divine. there has to be another way.. peace and love, which is what Jesus speaks of. if we all fall into the pit with Satan, the abyss of hopelessness, the world will never change. that's just my humble opinion.

still, i am impressed with your writing of this.
keep on searching for the Muse.

| Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  carving out such a chilly figure of depression, pain and yearning...the beauty of all the denied wishes , of what life has promised to everyone, falls softly like muted lighting on the persona kneeling and praying, asking for relief, answers...
this is excellent, there is a quiet force that lifts this work into the reader's is so rational, sincere and calm...
I am very impressed.
perhaps people notice your eyes is that your perception and discriminating vision allows them to see themselves reflecting in such and understanding light...their faults and needs, i suspect find A sympathetic reception in your actions and are truly gifted, rise above! Times will soon change and your precision will draw many to you. koster
| Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
  This is so sad but alsdo very well written
In this write I can feel the pain you feel quite easily
I urge you to not blame The Lord for this sad state of depression you find yourself in
I was once in this same shoes my Friend and I overcame the depression and realized with Gods Love in ones life one can accomplish anything
I can honestly tell you if you put your life into Satans hands you will never find happiness
Trust me on that one I have tried it many times in the past myself
And I can honestly say the day I Invited The Lord into my Heart was the day I was finally free from allowing sadness to control me
I am only a PM away if you need someone to talk to
I hate noone and have never ever held a grudge
I will be praying for you
I now live in New Jersey not to far from the City
I know life in the East Coast can be depressing but its all in how you perceive a situation
God Bless
| Posted on 2007-05-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  yes, you should be proud of this one.

i really like how it highlights the doubts and the loss of faith people get when they are going thru hard times. I love how it also explains the thing that overly religious people are always telling us kids: that we are going to go to Hell if we don't REPENT and join a convent or some [censored]. I really liked this, If i were to try to give you advice on it, i would fail, because i have nothing to criticize. well done.
| Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by itsjustme22 | [ Reply to This ]
  After reading this poem all I can say is... WOW! You did a great job with this poem and I love it! I gave your poem a vote of 5 and am going to add it to my Favorites list.
Keep up the great writing hun, you are very talented!

| Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by Morrtigan | [ Reply to This ]

I got into your words... and I could feel them, nicely done. Your hard work and effort paid off on this one. I don't think that I have read any of your stuff before this one, but I will make an effort to do so.

The only line that I had trouble with was:

"I dream of heartache,
when the souls of others pass me I awake in a place that's shutdown from happiness."

Your use of the word "shutdown" just does not work for me there. I would suggest maybe this -

"I dream of heartache,
when the souls of others pass me I awake in a place without happiness."

Just an idea. I loved the rest of it even though I am not usually attracted to the theme. Your title and the first few lines captured me and I had to read it through to the end. And that Kendra, is a good sign that your poem is an excellent one.

Your friend in words,
| Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by Daokao | [ Reply to This ]
  I can feel despair and the hardening of your heart as I read this poem. I have to say I love it. I kept seeing you in a dark room crying out yet knowing the whole time that noone was listening. I really enjoyed the end. It was very powerful and it ends the poem perfectly. It just seems right.

"To pray is bringing nightmares to life,
Like asking the flowers to dance when there is no wind to form a melody."

These were my favorite lines. I usually have trouble with similes and metaphores in poetry but I understood this poem, especially these lines, pretty well. At least I think I did. I usually just go to another page when I don't understand the poem the first or second time, but I really liked this one and just kept reading it over and over until I finally got it. I love the metaphores in this piece, they really make it, I'm looking for another word but, powerful, is the only thing I can think of at the moment. This is deffinitely going to my favorites.

And weed for all!
| Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by Magic Dragon | [ Reply to This ]

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