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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Million Year Picnicdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2779/1297/258
    Words: 397
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 743
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2233



    Description:
       A continued experiment in style/ screenplay/ stagecraft/ prose


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Million Year Picnicdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Million Year Picnic (Monologue-Chapter 2)


    Uncle Leandro

    Where were you going to post this note that explains everything? And in what way does a veiled apology soothe a wound? And if Iíve been the daughter you never had, why do you treat me no better than my father? He ignored me, abandoned me and killed himself. Imagine how that jacked my self-esteem!

    I love you and Iím angry and I love youÖ

    And if you feel unworthy of that love, so be it. I still love you.

    Thanks for every present you did give me, and even the ones that were never sent. Let me hug you one more time before you leave.

    I promise I wonít let go.

    Love,
    Your Yasmine

    Ps- Mom says hello. Will you visit us soon?


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Jazzy-jazz

    I considered calling you, my love, but all I have are these incomplete thoughts that always seem to misbehave, soÖ

    All I can say is how sorry I am that my exile has left you confused and upset. That was never my intent, believe me. Your father and I were so alike at times that I became afraid I might hurt you in some way. Madness is contagious, Iím told, and the way your Dad left the world troubled me. Even though he and your Mom were divorced for a year, I know it hurt her that he died so publicly. And I know it hurt you, too. More than anything else, I believe your Dad loved you, he just didnít know how to show it.

    It was never your fault that the world became what it is, and nothing youíve done led me to slip away so suddenly. I just needed some time alone. Remember when you were four and you fell asleep in my arms while I rocked you at your parentís house? I needed time and shadows to cradle me that same way. I needed the embrace of solitary darkness and the memories of loved ones late at night. And I think about you all the time. I missed you all day, and every one of the past thirty days weíve spent apart.

    Iíll be by to see you soon. Send my love to your Mom.
    Love,
    Uncle Leandro




    Submitted on 2007-05-03 18:19:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      thank you for pointing me to this piece.
    i knew skipping from the first to the third i had missed something but i didnt know what.

    i really appreciate this monologue series bill and i do hope there is more coming.
    i am also serious when i say it reminds me of the stuff Angelo was writing before he left. perhaps its the letter/confessional style...

    i am a fan.

    i think the honesty of yasmine is well written. i cannot give her an age at all but i know she isnt so old. not old enough to understand that grief affects everybody differently. not old enough to understand the way a life lost can haunt a man and drive him insane given the chance.
    but she is old enough to understand abandonment. first by her father then her uncle.
    she is old enough to understand love whether deserved or not.

    in both the second and third parts i like uncle L most of all. the way he explains things bring me such a peace/comfort. he reminds me of my step father explaining forgiveness after i had been so horridly hurt and couldnt work out how to reconcile god/forgiveness/hurt.
    i like his ability to interact with yasmine in a way that she understands without belittling her is powerful. i especially like his


    Remember when you were four and you fell asleep in my arms while I rocked you at your parentís house? I needed time and shadows to cradle me that same way.

    this is so seriously beautiful bill.
    i guess... i guess i know exactly how this feels and many a night has been spent being cradled by shadows... grief forcing itself to be observed.

    yes... uncle is a man i could have in my life quite safely.

    i look forward to reading more of this bill. please drop me a note when you post the fourth part.
    | Posted on 2007-05-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very powerful. I really felt for both characters and I think that's quite hard to pull off in the epistolary style. The voices seemed authentic. You've captured the child's voice and thoughts with ease. I liked especially:

    Imagine how that jacked my self-esteem!

    incomplete thoughts that always seem to misbehave

    the embrace of solitary darkness
    | Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      No comments yet? Nothing to be ashamed of. Mike (Van Crown) got few, so do I, so do a lot of the good writers.
    Well, this was definitely new for you. Looks like we're both going through evolutions. That's the way it should be - it's called p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s.
    My favorite phrases - actually there are many good ones, making it a difficult choice - were, "thoughts that always seem to misbehave / I needed time and shadows to cradle me". Definitely both "Wow!"s.
    I can see the stage with two people alternately spotlighted. Perhaps the background for each could change with each cycle. It's been done before, but what will make it work is your phrasing - your wonderful choice of words and images.
    How is the new site? (poetwriters?) I've though of joining it, but I fear the dross will follow, eventually seep into the woodwork - you know, the entropy thing.
    Good Write!
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-05-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


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