In the Marble Palace by Ari Leukos

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: In the Marble Palace dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Ari Leukos
ASL Info:	17/Male/CA
Elite Ratio:	4.92 - 92/129/44
Words:	86

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	201
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	546

Description:
A treatise on materialism, to a degree. Partly inspired by themes from the Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

In the Marble Palace dots

-------------------------------------------

Take me down, if you can, from this self-erected cross
Where hang the lusts of gain, and reviles of loss;
Misplaced suns, misread moons, and shattered visions fill my skies
I'd shrink from this carnal cross of life, not even knowing why

Whet my tongue, if you will, to the draught of life renewed
That burns my scarred, inflaméd throat with honey-dew;
Dance, virtuous angel, more gaily than your veiled counterpart!
So I may nail half myself to wood, then rise free with lighter heart

Submitted on 2007-05-03 20:16:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I am really amazed at the amount of content in these almost brief two stanzas— really. I am not even completely sure of what you mean in this piece— it is quite vague and symbolic, obviously, and yet... hmm.

I really cannot come up with any more to say, and yet I had intended to. Oh well. I guess I'll have to satisfy myself by simply saying I very, very much enjoy this and will have to think, think, think about it...

Peace, Lucy
| Posted on 2007-05-27 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
It's a relief to hear such unstrained rhymes. They don't feel forced at all, which is rare. You've also got some very effective imagery here.
I think the only section I'm not terribly fond of is the fourth line in the first stanza. 'Not even knowing why' doesn't really do the poem any justice. It doesn't have any special emotion or imagery, or even a shock effect. That's the only line where it feels like you rhymed for the sake of rhyming. I'd suggest finding a more powerful way to express yourself there.
Very nice poem, good work with this.
| Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

141877

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]