Take me down, if you can, from this self-erected cross
Where hang the lusts of gain, and reviles of loss;
Misplaced suns, misread moons, and shattered visions fill my skies
I'd shrink from this carnal cross of life, not even knowing why
Whet my tongue, if you will, to the draught of life renewed
That burns my scarred, inflaméd throat with honey-dew;
Dance, virtuous angel, more gaily than your veiled counterpart!
So I may nail half myself to wood, then rise free with lighter heart
| I am really amazed at the amount of content in these almost brief two stanzas— really. I am not even completely sure of what you mean in this piece— it is quite vague and symbolic, obviously, and yet... hmm.|
I really cannot come up with any more to say, and yet I had intended to. Oh well. I guess I'll have to satisfy myself by simply saying I very, very much enjoy this and will have to think, think, think about it...
|| Posted on 2007-05-27 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ] || It's a relief to hear such unstrained rhymes. They don't feel forced at all, which is rare. You've also got some very effective imagery here. |
I think the only section I'm not terribly fond of is the fourth line in the first stanza. 'Not even knowing why' doesn't really do the poem any justice. It doesn't have any special emotion or imagery, or even a shock effect. That's the only line where it feels like you rhymed for the sake of rhyming. I'd suggest finding a more powerful way to express yourself there.
Very nice poem, good work with this.
|| Posted on 2007-05-03 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ] |