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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scuffsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Meckes
    ASL Info:    21/M/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    5.63 - 140/125/45
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 830
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 877



    Description:
       I came up with it during class today. It's a rough draft, and I plan to submit it to my creative writing teacher on Monday for criticism. Eliteskills always gets first dibs though.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScuffsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A leisurely walk down the Ave.
    on a peppery Sunday in June.
    Black paste lounges in the
    sidewalk cracks, pulls in
    cigarette butts like long lost
    friends, (Handshakes are for
    strangers, hug me you bastard!)
    and grips our soles like an
    unharnessed rock climber.

    A red locked glamour girl comes on
    quickly. Heels can be heard over
    the Shoobie traffic zig-zagging
    back to Philly as her skirt pukes
    green into the wind. My pace
    slows further until the bank
    wall becomes my backrest.

    She seems determined
    to get to her destination
    quick as possible, while looking
    down on the world through oversized
    sunglasses. Her right heel stops
    to greet its college roommate though,
    and her glasses scuff my well worn boots.




    Submitted on 2007-05-04 17:57:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The detailing of this piece is quite arresting at its rugged pace. It comes at you relentlessly with a rabid set of images that are filled with a rich gloomy tapestry of urban elements (which I, have to admit, may be a poetic fetish of mine.)

    However, I felt that your piece is too good for it to be tumored with such a thing as "glamour girl." It, I think, ruins the breathless relating that you seemed to have armed it with.

    But that may simply be a matter of taste.

    Anyway, what I got from this is a social critique; a nicotine laced version of who is the real fool - the poet or the business man; he who exercises the moment or he who stores it; he who has a pocket watch because it reminds him of Che Guevarra or he who has a wrist watch because it is more convenient?

    Well, I guess we both know the answer to that one don't we. But then again, it could be just a matter of timing. Oh well...

    Like I said, I thought that this was a strong piece. It possessed a fine level of intensity hidden under the most essential of cracks. It had a fairly suitable killer instinct when it came to the right words and it had the tendency to just break the rules to keep the whole thing a live - a feat which by my opinion placed it in a pretty good position to cause things.
    | Posted on 2007-12-09 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice. A certain amount of distaste in whatever you are seeing, at least that's what I'm getting. I liked the wording (it makes you think) and it is certainly original. Nicely done.

    -Kevin
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by Guernica | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem with some very strong details. I especially like:

    Black paste lounges in the
    sidewalk cracks, pulls in
    cigarette butts like long lost
    friends, (Handshakes are for
    strangers, hug me you [censored]!)

    It's very vivid and the image of

    pulls in
    cigarette butts like long lost
    friends

    is beautiful and unique. While

    (Handshakes are for
    strangers, hug me you [censored]!)

    gives the poem a strong voice. This first stanza is without a doubt my favourite though the poem is strong throughout. If I were to suggest a way to improve the poem, I would use words that connote the pace of walking rather than telling the reader. Instead of 'approaches
    quick', 'strides' or something.
    | Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]


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